Drafting ESPN's Reporters:
1. Suzy Kolber - This may seem like a bit of an upset considering how unbelievably hot Erin Andrews is, but there are some important factors which make her #1.
First, she may be the only female reporter not named Linda Cohn who I actually listen to for content. When she used to babysit Merril Hoge on "Edge: NFL Matchup" I enjoyed how, unlike Merril, she used the phrase "NFL" as opposed to referring to it as "The National Football League" EVERY FUCKING TIME.
Second, as you probably remember, she conducted the single most important sideline interview in the uneventful history of the sideline reporter. Of course, I'm referring to Joe Namath's "I just want to kiss you" interview. Although, I think my favorite part of this interview isn't so much Joe Namath's blacked out attempt to hook up with Kolber as it is his slurred description of Chad Pennington as a "quality, classy quarterback."
Joe Namath: An American Poet.
Anthony's Analysis: Really a phenomenal first pick. For me it's not even close. Suzy Kolber saved Edge NFL matchup. And really don't we have to trust Joe Namath's opinions? This is a man who was the NFL's most popular player in New York City. He has probably seen more good looking broads up close than I could ever imagine. If drunk Joe Namath thinks Kolber is good enough to shtup, she should be good enough for Chubbs Kellett and she sure is.
Also, could there be anything better than a post-coital discussion of the Tampa Bay Cover Two that Suzy could provide.
2. Erin Andrews - Yeah, she's really hot. I've seen her up close and in person, too. This isn't just a "she looks hot on TV" thing. I don't have anything funny to say.
Anthony's Analysis: Yeah, sure, she's really hot. But if you look at Erin Andrews and Trev Alberts they have the same face. Has anyone ever seen them in the same room. Lately, Erin has started to wear her hair in a ponytail which narrows her face a little bit. But, I don't understand, how people miss this. But Chubbs also regularly hits on one of our best friends' little sisters who looks FREAKISHLY like him. So, who knows, that may just be the straw that stirs Chubbs' drink.
3. Colleen Dominguez - She adds a little latin flavor to this mix. I'm always down for an ethnic girl, particularly if she's older, and still really hot. That being said, she might be completely held together at this point with Elmer's Glue and eye-shadow.
Anthony's Analysis: I guess Chubbs didn't write much of anything because it's just an indefensible pick. I've never been much into the "mature" look. Yeah, she stays pretty fit. But I'll find old chicks (not named Dame Judi Dench, of course) attractive when I'm older than thirty. For now, keep providing the young vixens like . . .
4. Rachel Nichols - I have a hard time ranking Rachel Nichols because there are times where I look at her and think, "Wow, she looks kind of naughty" and there are times where I look at her and think, "Is she still wearing a retainer? Why doesn't her mouth move properly?" That being said, I'll take any ESPN reporter who is good looking enough for a drunken makeout session and, also, isn't Pam Ward.
Also, I think I could hook up with her. I dare you to prove me wrong Rachel. I'm always at the bar. Why are you avoiding me?
Anthony's Analysis: I think Chubbs hit this one right on the head. She's a little sultry, and she gives the impression that you may actually meet her in a bar, and possibly make out with her. A very nice combination - a lot like Kirsten Dunst in that way. I really would consider drafting her number one. Kind of a hot voice, too.
5. Michelle Tafoya - She's kind of hot. Not hot in that "she's attractive" way, but hot in that "she might be your friend's mom who you secretly want to bang, but it's not really that big of a secret because you talk about it all the time" kind of way. Also, I can't really get a good look at her body under all those female suits she wears.
Anthony's analysis: Getting plumper, and older, but still has a nice package. She's been around of a long time, but still pretty good looking. Bonus points because one of our friends from college lived in the same neighborhood as Michelle Tafoya and could see her in her bedroom with only her underwear on. So, I guess that's something. . .is it?
6. Linda Cohn - L-Co! I think we all remember where we were when we saw Linda Cohn modeling with Mr. Met in her bathing suit. Also, she's in the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame (that's not a joke, you can look it up), and she's had to put up with Stuart Scott all these years which should be rewarded somehow. Seriously Stuart, you have to stop with the horribly outdated hip-hop references. My Mom used "off the heezy" three years ago. Also, you have a dead eye. Nice work, asshole.
Anthony's analysis: She's kind of old, and not terrible looking. She's been with me for so long, she feels more like an aunt to me then an object of sexual lust. But in a bind, I would still take her over...
Anthony's analysis: She looks like she has a great personality.
8. Lee Corso - This ranking is in no way meant to imply that Lee Corso is a woman. However, Lee Corso is ranked here because it is a scientific fact that any man who watches college football would rather do Lee Corso than Pam Ward. Granted, both acts would be dispicable and scarring, but at least having sex with Lee Corso would make for a funny story. Sex with Pam Ward would actually make you more gay than sex with Lee Corso would, too.
Anthony's analysis: Hahahaha. Wow. Chubbs and I saw old footage of Lee Corso with his arm around a babe in the sixties listening to some damn hippie play an acoustic guitar. Good lord I hope Pam Ward doesn't accidentally read this blog.
And, while I may not want to do Lee Corso. That Texas cheerleader is one lucky girl.
9. Pam Ward - I don't know what to say about Pam Ward, really. I wouldn't fuck Pam Ward with Sean Salisbury's dick. I would feel bad for her grotesque boyishness, but it's not like she doesn't have a staff that includes professional makeup artists. Hell, Holly Rowe wears enough makeup to fit in at a showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." I can just imagine what goes through Chris Spielman's head every Saturday when he's relegated to serving as this he-she's sidekick: "What gender of pronouns do I use?" "Is she like, into chicks or something?" "I guess I'd do her if somebody paid me." "Boy, Ohio State fans sure are stupid."
Anthony's analysis: I don't know what Chubbs is talking about. Pam Ward has a very sexy adam's apple.