Tuesday, November 07, 2006

"We Got the Better Belding."

So in titillating and horrifying news, I found out this morning that Saved By the Bell is shown on TBS from 5AM to 7AM, not 6 - 7, like I originally thought, which means anytime my body inexplicably wakes itself up at 5 (see: today), I will no longer make an effort to grab more time to sleep and instead take in more episodes of Saved by the Bell.

A few quick observations: First of all, there is nothing more frightening and thrilling than when a joke from Saved by the Bell actually makes you laugh. For our generation (which by the way is the LAST generation to know what the hell Saved by the Bell is... 21 years old is just about the cutoff), most of the laughs are usually generated by the unintentional comedy of the show - it's corniness and AC Slater's fashion (Quick highlight from an episode, today. AC Slater wears his first normal pair of pants in the series - single-pleated khakis, actually pants that a normal man might wear. HOWEVER, he tops off this with a bright magenta tight tank top firmly tucked in. What a move!). But, I found myself, over the past couple days chuckling at intentional comedy in the show.

Three instances:
Jesse Spano is chewing out the rich nerd (Nerdstrom, who is 5'3") about how he treats his nerd girlfriend Violet (played by Tori Spelling). Nerdstrom then tells Spano, "I know what you need." And gives Jesse a full dip and plants a kiss on her. Jesse comes back to the gang, visibly shaken and Lisa says, "You tell him, girl." Full chuckle from me this morning, mainly due to the actually comedic delivery from Lark Voorhies.

Kelly, Jesse, and Lisa are up for a Teen Fashion Magazine award which wins a free trip to Paris. All three agree not to be mad at who ever is chosen. Kelly Kapowski (of course) is chosen and Lisa Turtle immediately lets out a hearty "With those hips!?!" It actually had a semblance of comedic timing. And yes, it registered 3 laughs on my laugh-o-meter.

After meeting the two Beldings, (when Belding's hot-shot younger brother Rod Belding comes into town) Screech says, "Two Beldings in one building and one is balding!" Wow. Good times.

I will be examining this further to determine A) how much of a loser I am, and B) if Lark Voorhies was the Kevin Garnett of Saved by the Bell - the most talented, versatile player on the court, but just couldn't be the focus of the show. Or, if she was just under-utilized. Lark just brings it every show, outperforms everyone, has to deliver every painfully excruciating rip on Screech, and still catches you by surprise how hot she is. Every show Lark does this - she never missed a season to go film Son in Law, stepped up when Kelly and Jesse left to fill a bigger void, and even came back for the Las Vegas Wedding unchanged when Kelly had put on weight and got a boob job, and Jesse had her hair dyed bleach blonde for Showgirls. We really need to have a Lark Voorhies day to commemorate her. I really think she could have carried a spinoff. I just do. A tear.

The Best Issue of Playboy Ever!!!
Also, as I commented before, yesterday was the episode where Screech and Zack take pictures of the girls swim team and put the pictures in a calendar to drum up interest in the school store that Zack revamped. (Yes, he stole the control of the school store from nerds who were running it.) The girls are initially mad, but are then placated when a photographer from Teen Fashion shows up to put them in a picture spread. This spread lead to one singular and unmistakable thought: Lark Voorhies, Tiffani Theissen, and Elizabeth Berkeley need to be in a Playboy. . . now!!

This is an extremely pressing issue. I mean, after Jesse Spano turned into a total movie skank showing off her snapper in two movies right away (everyone forgets that she gets completely naked in Any Given Sunday aw well), I think we all took it for granted that Kelly and Lisa may follow suit - especially after Kelly went on to play a turbo-evil-skank in Beverly Hills, and a charming slut in Pauly Shore's Son in Law. But, it hasn't happened like that. And it needs to. Not for me so much - just to have the best-selling Playboy of all time.

Why does this have to happen now?

1) Tiffani Amber-Theissen is 32 years old, Lark Voorhies is 32 years old; Elizabeth Berkely is 34 years old. They are all about 5 years from no longer being attractive. How does Playboy not jump on the ball and do the Girls of Bayside magazine photo shoot? I mean, seriously.
2) The people who watched the show are all about 20 - 35 years old right now. If Hef doesn't get this done soon, no one will care. No one will even be able to recognize Kelly Kapowski -- can you imagine living in a world like that.
3) Do you know anybody our age (20 - 30) who wouldn't buy this issue. I mean, it transcends normal smut purchasing. I don't even think I would be embarrassed by this - it would just be a necessary addition to my reading. I mean, the interview! Don't we want to know some of the behind-the-scenes gossip. Did Kelly and Morris ever date off the screen? Did any of them give Screech a taste? Did any of them have a coke addiction? When did AC Slater do ballet? Jealousy? I mean, these are all things that will never be revealed. The whole cast is always so concerned about being typecasted they NEVER talk about what it was like to be on Saved by the Bell. Do any of them still talk to one another?? And the naked on top of that?
4) All their careers are struggling. This could thrust them back into the national spotlight..

All right. Just got a big project at work. Can we start a petition?

- Anthony


At 1:23 PM, Blogger Mr. Intensity said...

Your analysis of SBTB is just incredible. I don't know what else to say, except that a.) I agree- I would snap up this issue and try to go online and see pics that weren't included. You know, for research's sake. I am making a sculpture of a naked woman. Yeah. Don't think my parents didn't try that one on me when I was a kid and found my dad's enormous stash of Playboys. The problem was, though, he was making a half-assed attempt to carve a woman. The thing is, it has been in the same state since I was born, and I am fully sure it was just his ploy to placate my mom and say, "Honey, it is okay- I am just looking at them so I can carve this sculpture." Dick Kuiken: Crafty. And an excellent bowler. (See: 299 in league play).

I am a big fan of your SBTB insights, little Anthony. The level of detail is tremendous. And, by the way, JP now owns an authentic, WORKING, Zack Morris phone. Look for him as SLater next Halloween and yours truly as Zack. With a blonde wig. And you know you want to see JP wearing some of Slater's gear. Hell, JP is the Slater of this generation.


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