Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Brittany from "Two-A-Days": Great Reality Show Hot Chick or Greatest Reality Show Hot Chick?

I know people often overestimate recent phenomenons when trying to determine "the greatest of all-time" debates. For example, when ESPN ran that whole bullshit thing about the USC dynasty going up against National Champions of the last 15 years. Idiots like Mark May were claiming that USC would beat 1997 Michigan 49-10. Yeah, that will happen Mark. I'm sure USC would be able to put 49 points on a team with the greatest college defensive player of all-time (Charles Woodson) and one of the greatest college defenses of all time. Michigan allowed 117 points TOTAL in 1997, including 16 against a Washington State team that was led by a then great Ryan Leak. Also, remember when Isaiah Thomas said that Kobe Bryant might be better than Michael Jordan after he hit that huge shot to put the Lakers into an overtime win in Game 2 of the 2004 NBA Finals against the Pistons? You know, the one the Lakers lost in 5 games. The one where Kobe averaged 22 ppg. Yeah, I have a feeling that wouldn't happen to Jordan. Not to say Kobe isn't a great player, he is. But it was clear that one measly performance can undeservingly tilt a "greatest of all-time" debate. Then again, it was Isaiah Thomas, who somehow ended up with 4 shitty, shoot-first point guards on his team this year, who made that claim. Wow that got off topic.
Anyway, the point of this is: Brittany from "Two-A-Days" might be the hottest reality show chick ever. Sure, she's 17. Sure, it's a crime in probably every state not named Alabama (ironically) for me to sleep with her. Sure, it was just one episode. However, I've checked out her myspace page (don't judge me), and I don't think I'm jumping the gun here. I mean, she absolutely BLOWS Kristin from last season out of the water. Barring Mallory from Real World: Paris (who should be eliminated from any discussion because she's an SI model now, so it's really unfair), I really don't think it's even close. Plus SHE'S SEVEN-FREAKING-TEEN! I've already hatched plans for a road trip down to Hoover. These girls are smoking hot. Plus, once this girl realizes that she can bang out any dude she wants, and ditch her loser, soon-to-be playing defensive end at a shitty college like Southern Alabama who's due to make under 30 g's a year for the rest of his life boyfriend, she's going to be on the prowl. I pray for that girl's nether region to remain disease free in college, because she is going to be getting A LOT of sex.

I mean, she is borderline perfect. If I could get her to sign a pre-nup and somehow know that she doesn't pack on 20 pounds in college, I would ask her to marry me now. Under the girl's movie interests it says, "if I have to think really hard... I get lost!" Also under books it says, "don't read much." Does it get any better than that? Does it? I contend that it does not.

Anyway, here's the link. Have fun. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=140302445

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Random Thoughts During a Sunday Spent Not Doing Work and Instead Watching MTV and Golf/NBA

1. The "MTV: True Life" series really produces some great unintentional comedy. I'm not even sure MTV starts out with a general concept, like "True Life: I have OCD" or "True Life: I'm a Jersey Shore girl", I just think they do a general casting call, find the most awkward, stupid people they can, and pair them off according to shared personality traits. For example, today they had one about being gay, and it featured some guy from Georgia who was meeting his online boyfriend of six months, and didn't understand the concept of top or bottom when his friends brought it up. As if it's probably not horrible enough being gay in Georgia, add not even knowing how to be gay, and you're looking at a dark hellscape of bad times. Then, some other gay couple got into a huge fight about who ended their myspace friendship online. I was borderline tears laughing. There might be nothing more amusing than two combustibly gay males arguing over a myspace friendship. Somewhere, Isiah Washington from Grey's Anatomy is FUMING.

2. In case you somehow haven't seen it, MTV's "Fat Camp" is the funniest fucking two hours of television ever created. It's a pretty simple equation: Fat kids (funny) + going through puberty (really funny) + fighting (really funny when its kids or fat people, and off the charts funny when its both) + relationship issues = Success. I don't know if they offer this on DVD or if its on demand, but you really must watch it. If you're not fat, it'll maybe make you feel better about the massive disaster that your life has become since you graduated college. I know it did for me. At least until I realized that in 5 years I'll be out of college still and probably fat, when, at the very least, those kids will be in college. Damn it.

3. "Engaged and Underaged" seems like a promising show. The first episode included crazy Christians and overprotective parents, which usually results in comedy. The way that Mom and son interacted almost made me feel better about losing my patience and yelling at my Mom as much as I do. At least I'm slightly less of a pussy than that guy. Oh wait, I still live with my parents. Kill me. Oh well, at least I'm not married. The best part was when the Dad was practically bribing his son $20,000 in trust fund money if he waited another 4 years to get married. It's as if the Dad didn't want to just come out say, "Son, bang as many chicks as you can, I married early and my life is horrible because my wife is a crazy bitch who's life is completely devoid of meaning outside of raising you. Don't let the same thing happen to you."

4. I really enjoy Talladega Nights. A lot. I don't get why more people don't rave about this movie. The number of hilarious "I like to picture Jesus..." quotes alone is enough to make me buy this movie. Por ejemplo, "I like to picture Jesus with eagle wings and singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with an angel band, and I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk."

5. So apparently 12-pack from I Love New York may or may not be attending Seton Hall Law School in the Fall. I don't know whether to be horribly embarassed that somehow our lives have resulted in us reaching VERY similar paths/goals or unbelievably overjoyed at watching that moron interact socially with people I know. I'm going with the latter. He immediately turns the race for biggest meathead at Seton Hall Law on its head.

http://www.myspace.com/amermand

6. Another stellar episode from Maui Fever. Corbin deserves his own show. He clearly leads the league in blackouts. I also enjoy the over-the-top bitch factor that Chaunte brings to the table. I like her. She's a bitch, but whatever, I'd party with her.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Who Wants to Make Sex Mutombo?

I didn't really watch much of the State of the Union address, because frankly, well, who gives a shit? However, I did manage to tune in at exactly the right time as I saw Dikembe Mutombo, standing next to Laura Bush and a 4'8" Asian woman no less, receiving a standing ovation from the crowd. I assume this was related to some kind of AIDS work he has been doing, but did anybody else in the room realize the hilarity of this situation? Like were James Webb or Trent Lott just cracking up watching Mutombo awkwardly receive his congratulations? Don't they know this is the same man who famously asked, "Who wants to make sex Mutombo?" upon entering a party while attending Georgetown? People in politics might be really out of the loop. Also extremely entertaining was the "subway hero", who received a standing ovation as well. Instead of just bowing in honor like Dikembe, this guy instead started shouting "You da man!" at people at pointing vigorously. Seeing politicians engage in stuff like this really makes you wonder how our country hasn't been exploded or taken over yet.

In more important news, has anybody else seen this thing called "Paris Exposed"? Apparently some guy bought the rights to a bunch of Paris Hilton's shit when she failed to make payments on time at a storage station. Boy did that guy make the right decision. The website is selling it's content at $40 and includes such gems as Paris doing a pound of coke of a dude's chest (yeah, I'm not making this up) while talking about anal, a diary entry discussing how she gave a dude herpes, and many, many, many, many, many other jewels. Personally, I think this has taken my love of Paris Hilton to a new level. She might be a spoiled whore, but who the fuck wouldn't want to go out for a night on the town with this girl? First of all, you're obviously going to get reallllllly fucked up, and secondly, you're probably going to have sex with a really hot chick (Paris) and potentially multiple other women as it seems that Paris has bi-tendencies. Granted you're going to have herpes, but if they're from Paris Hilton, isn't that worth the price of medication/humiliation. I think it is. I'm already working on splitting the price of subscription to this site with 7 other guys from law school. In the mean time, check this out: http://wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=1826

I assume everybody by now has seen these "The Second Coming" Nike commercials by now. Let me just say that I LOVE this commercial. I also really love the song produced by Just Blaze. Wow. This gets me pumped up for the next Olympics even. However, I don't get the inclusion of Tony Parker. I'm not saying Tony Parker isn't a good player, but everybody else they have on that team has a basketbal skill set best described as "gangster". The Kobes, Lebrons, Pierces, the Stoudamires, Rasheeds, and Jermaine O'Neals, and even Steve Nash has a game I would describe as gangster (I defy you to find anyone teach the point guard position like Steve Nash plays it). Then there's good ol' fundamental Tony Parker. I don't know, maybe it's because he's French, but I'd like the commercial a lot better if they replaced him with T-Mac or Rafer Alston or whoever. I'll be back tomorrow for an update on the comings and goings of reality television. Cheers.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

What a Great Game

Yeah, so I was rooting for the Colts in the AFC Championship game. I know Tom Brady went to Michigan, and I still do love Brady, but frankly, I'm sick of the Patriots, and I don't know how it happened but I began liking Peyton Manning. I think this is similar to the period last year when I adopted J.J. Redick as my favorite non-Michigan basketball player and was openly rooting for Duke in the tournament. I don't get it. Maybe I've lost touch with reality in my old age. But hey, the Colts have Marlin Jackson and the infamous Cato June. How can you not root for those two idiots?

First of all, even though it didn't end up mattering (and I actually agree with the decision), I was surprised to see the Patriots throwing the ball on 3rd and 4 with 2:35 left in the game when the Colts had only one timeout left. I think I agree with that decision because: a) The potential gain (2 minutes of clock) is larger than the potential loss (40 second advantage to Colts) and b) Peyton Manning isn't going to be constrained by having only two minutes of time to go the distance.

Secondly, how awesome was that Solomon Wilcotts-Bill Belicheck interview following the game. Here's a verbatim transcript:
Solomon: What seemed to be the difference?
Belicheck: The colts just did a little more than we did.
Solomon (after an awkward, stumbling pause): How much did fatigue play a factor?
Belicheck: Oh, I don't know, both teams fought pretty hard today.
Solomon: Uh, thanks for taking the time out to talk to us, Bill.

Boomer Esiason (in the studio): Uhhh, what was that?

Favorite moment from the game: Cato June running away from a STILL loose ball excitedly signalling that the Colts had possession when, in fact, the ball was about to be picked up by Logan Mankins for a TD. Absolutely phenomenal effort there by Cato. I now see why there were probably over 100 Colts fans wearing Cato June jerseys on Sunday.

Marlin! Was he playing safety when he made that interception? Lloyd Carr is vindicated!

Really could do without the shots of Eli Manning in the box with Archie. Obvious reasons. I don't need any more reminders of how terrible our Manning is. This is ourrrrrrrrrrr Manning!

Early prediction for Super Bowl: Colts 31 Bears 27. I think this game will be close. I think if the Bears drew the Patriots they'd be blown out of the water, but they can score on the Colts, and I think they could win. But, there's no way in hell I'm taking Rex Grossman over Peyton Manning. I'm not drunk. I think.

Also, I'd just like to point out that Maui Fever is an absolutely PHENOMENAL show. I LOVE this idea. First of all, the game these guys run is fool-proof. Even if you're a dude, you're going to accept an invitation to a party by heady brosefs who surf in Hawaii. Who's going to turn this down? Recipe for reality show success: Chicks in bikinis, Heady bros, Surfing, Crushing ass.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Best Night of Television. Ever.

I really can't begin to describe how awesome it was watching the 2nd two-hour block of the "24" premiere then following it up with an incredible debut of Season 2 of "The Hills."

First of all, that episode of "24" really may be the best I've ever seen. Absolutely unprecedented intensity from that 2nd hour. I also think that overall, this season has the best combination of ridiculous plot twists (already) and hilarious C-level celebrity actors in minor roles (i.e.: Kumar, Yanoosh from Ghostbusters II, Rube aka the Catcher from Major League II, Rod Tidwell's wife, etc.).

SPOILER ALERT

First, I'm going to have to go ahead and question Bauer's decision-making when he killed Curtis. Now, I know Bauer's whole thing is he always choses loyalty to his country over anything else, but I'm not even sure that based on this logic he should shoot Curtis in that situation. I mean, I know Assad is going to provide help in stopping these terrorist attacks, but isn't Curtis, in the long run at least, going to provide as much, if not more assistance to the country? Although, I guess Assad's promise to forge some kind of peace between the West and the terrorist groups which he holds sway over maybe overcomes that. I don't know. Choosing to shoot your good friend over a known terrorist in that questionable situation just shocked the shit out of me. Possibly one of the most poignant moments in "24" history.

However, this brings up a point. Can "24" not list these major characters as "guest stars" if they are in fact going to die? My friend Scott pointed out that he thought Curtis was going to die simply because of this fact, and guess what? He was right. Just lie to us "24." No one's going to hold it against you that certain actors turned out to be mere guest stars contrary to what they were billed as.

The Hills got out to an absolutely ROARING start. I'm not positive that the episode was as amazing as I thought it was since I was still running on a massive high from the nuclear bomb going off at the end of "24." An event which shook me almost as if it had actually happened. I think I almost called my buddy Bickel out in LA to make sure he was alright after I witnessed that. Back to the Hills though, LC obviously had a horrible summer because J-Wohl loves mentally abusing her, and getting arrested for cocaine possession, bribing a cop, and then in a completely seperate incident, battery (this actually happened - http://www.tmz.com/2006/09/25/laguna-beach-star-arrested-again/). This was something that didn't go unnoticed by her boss who is clearly upset that LC didn't take the internship in Paris. That crazy old bitch was absolutely POURING salt into LC's wound about how things didn't work out with Jason. That was awesome.

Also, this Spencer character is absolutely priceless. I was watching this episode while talking to Mr. Intensity online and we kept wavering from shock and hatred to sheer respect at his moves with Audrina and Heidi. That scene at the club where he was running absurd amounts of game on Audrina while trying to convince Heidi that everything was chill was like watching a train wreck. I'm reserving my "Tip of the Cap" for a later date when I can be assurred that this move was successful, but if that day comes, that may be the biggest "Tip of the Cap" yet. Heidi clearly isn't going to leave this guy because she has no self-esteem and he's milking it for all it's worth, trying to bang out the hotter Audrina. Also, bonus points if he does and Heidi actually is pregnant. God, would that be funny.

Also, I think Whitney is under the radar hot. I would really like to make the sex with her. Did anybody else notice the side-bra she was sporting in that episode. I like.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

College Football Round-up

Just to quickly wrap up the college football season.
1) I had Florida winning that game all the way; and those Michigan fans who repeatedly claimed OSU would kill Florida were idiots. That being said:
--- What the hell was Tressel thinking? The guy is a snobby douche, but he's always been a top notch play caller and has had OSU phenomenally prepared when they have time off. But, for whatever reason, he ditched his effective running game in favor of a spread-passing attack which Florida was killing with the blitz. Troy Smith (who I may have been premature in anointing as the next Drew Brees) was constantly harassed and Ginn was knocked out. I don't know why they didn't stay with the ground game; but I'm sure glad they didn't, because it sure warmed my heart to see OSU get obliterated.
- -- How great would it be to be a Florida fan? Ignore the obvious that you have just won a basketball and football NCAA championship in the same year (the two holy grails for college sports); but in 2007 you will have 2 of the most talented basketball players in the game (Noah and Horford); and the two most exciting football players in the country in Harvey and Tebow. Harvey already looks much more polished than Ginn ever has, and Tebow is one of the most phenomenal athletes I've ever seen. How is it that in every game Tebow ALWAYS got 3 yards on that QB slam play they run - no matter the defensive alignment. He's awesome to behold. Damn you, Gainesville.
---- My main concern with Michigan was not the USC game plan, or the fear of a large talent discrepancy between what we thought we had and what we actually did have. No, my fear was how Michigan got worse throughout the year. Northwestern, Ball State, Ohio State, and USC were all very bad games this year. And the only good team we beat all year was Wisconsin.
--- The biggest problem with the BCS is it WANTS to be a playoff. It's whole goal is to determine who's #1 on the field; yet it stays married to this antiquated bowl system and poll system. You either have to go one of two ways: Go back to the old bowl system when the actual bowl had meaning, and the Coaches or AP awarded the title on their own accord. (Was I the only one that liked watching the Cotton, the Citrus, the Orange, the Rose, the Holiday just because they were cool? Didn't it use to be a big deal to win a Cotton Bowl? OR, go all the way and use the bowls as a means to an end and have an 8 team playoff. This bullshit as it is now doesn't make sense at all to me. I mean it ends with a coaches poll where the coaches can't even vote for #1 and #2. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN???
---- Michigan's prospects: Well, it sure is nice to have Henne, Hart, Long, and Burgess back but I can't see us being any better than we were this year. For us to succeed we'll have to switch into an offense first-squad-- and hope to score 30 points a game. We really can't hope to win with field position and defense. I think Manningham and Arrington have a shot to be the best WR duo in Michigan history next year if they can stay healthy, and we can give Henne time.
---- What about that Boise State game?! If I was a voter in the AP bowl I would have gone ahead and given Boise my vote. Do I think they are the best team in the country? Hell, no; but I really don't have any idea who is; and it'd be nice to stick it to the BCS voters.

Shady's Back

To quote the great band, Staind, "It's been awhile."

I suck. I've been busy. Turns out law school isn't quite the awesome, drunken, free-time filled mess that undergrad is. Go figure.

Anyway, I figure I'd hit you guys up with some quick thoughts following a loooooooong break.

First, the OC cancellation. I really can't say that I'm surprised here. Fox was pretty stupid to put one of their top dramas up against Grey's Anatomy. Let's be honest. Most of the people watching the OC weren't stupid college-age male stoners, so putting the show up against (seemingly) every woman's (probably more appropriately "high school girl's") favorite TV show wasn't a smart idea. I'm disappointed. Obviously. I really think this season has been a lot better than Season 3. That whole Johnny nonsense was awful. I hadn't cared less for an OC character since the whole "Oliver" debacle of Season 1. I think Kaitlin Cooper and Taylor Townsend were really coming into their own as hotties. Taylor had even passed Summer for me in terms of who I'd rather play a game of "Hide the Pringles Can" with.

As for other reality shows:

- Twentyfourseven was a terrible show. That being said, I really enjoyed it. The people who starred in it had absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. However, the guy "Cipes" was a true insipiration for mankind. Basically his life consisted of smoking pot, laying extremely flaky game down on chicks (who I'm sure bought it because this was set in LA and he's somewhat well off), and play guitar. If you haven't already, I highly suggest you check out cipesandthepeople.com AND gregcipes.com . Truly can't miss stuff here.

- CT is really entering unprecedented territory for the Duel. It was brought up in a Bill Simmons chat yesterday, but I think CT has officially passed Alton from a few years ago as the greatest Real World/Road Rules challenge player of all-time. I mean Evan, who is probably one of the meatiest dudes on the planet and can probably bench press my Ford Explorer, was visibly shitting his pants at the prospect of facing CT. Then, when they get into the challenge, CT somehow channelled his hidden marsupial genes and climbed the rope in the ascent challenge in about 1.8 seconds. CT and Brad should get some kind of award for excellence in the field of meatheadishness, it's truly inspiring.

- Real World has fallen off massively, nothing really interesting has happened as of late other than Brooke being completely off the reservation. I have never seen a girl bitch as much as she does. That's saying A LOT. That's saying I've never seen ANYONE bitch as much as she does. Somebody call the wahhhhhhmbulance.

As for the Hall of Fame voting, I'm beginning to realize that the process is kind of stupid. So you're telling me the reason why Goose Gossage is getting into the Hall next year (I think he deserves it) is because Tim Raines and David Justice are the closest Hall-worthy candidates being added to the list? This system is fucked up. I also take sides with Bill Simmons on this whole McGwire thing. It's going to be ridiculous if every single Hall vote for the next 10 years is going to include every writer's inclinations on whether or not he/she (ha, she, like they'd ever let women chose who goes to the Baseball Hall of Fame) thinks so and so may or may not have done steroids.

I'm not discussing college football, other than to say that our team is going to be massively overrated going into next year. Our defense needs about 8 players to make HUGE leaps next year if we want to have anything approaching the success we had this year. However, Ryan Mallett looked UNREAL in the Army All-Star game. He also can throw a football 85 yards. I'm not making that up.

Well, that's it for now. Hope everyone had enjoyable holidays.