Tuesday, October 31, 2006

THIS IS HOW A HEART BREAKS!
2006-2007 NBA PREVIEW FEVER! CATCH IT!

Chubbs' Predictions:

Eastern Conference:
Atlantic: New Jersey Nets
Central: Detroit Pistons
Southeast: Miami Heat
Other playoff teams: Cleveland Cavaliers, Chicago Bulls, Washington Wizards, Indiana Pacers, Orlando Magic

Underrated: Josh Smith (Atlanta Hawks), Mo Williams (Bucks), Marcus Williams (Nets), The Bobcats

Overrated: Ben Wallace (Bulls), Larry Hughes (Cavs), Marvin Williams (Hawks), The Raptors

Conference Finals: Miami Heat over New Jersey Nets

Western Conference:
Northwest: Utah Jazz
Pacific: Phoenix Suns
Southwest: Dallas Mavericks
Other Playoff teams: San Antonio Spurs, LA Clippers, New Orleans Hornets, LA Lakers, Houston Rockets

Underrated: Leandro Barbosa (Suns), Shaun Livingston (Clippers), Rudy Gay (Grizzlies), The Hornets, The Rockets

Overrated: Tim Duncan (Spurs), Erick Dampier (Mavs), Patrick O'Bryant (Warriors), The Nuggets

Conference Championship: Phoenix Suns over Dallas Mavericks

NBA Finals: Phoenix Suns over Miami Heat
MVP: Lebron James
Scoring Title: Kobe Bryant
Rookie of the Year: Brandon Roy
6th Man Award: Bonzi Wells
Defensive Player of the Year: Gerald Wallace

Anthony's Predictions:

Playoffs in the East:

1) Chicago Bulls

2) Detroit Pistons

3) Cleveland Cavaliers

4) Miami Heat

5) New Jersey Nets

6) Milwaukee

7) Washington

8) Orlando

9) Boston

10) Philadelphia

Analysis: I think every team in the top 4 got better this offseason except for Miami. Chicago added Big Ben and Tyrus Thomas to sure up their interior defense. They have Deng back healthy, and the best depth in the league. With Skiles coaching they won't take a night off. The Pistons will have a bounce back year and they won't miss Big Ben AT ALL. McDyess is a better player for them on that team. Chauncey being an MVP candidate last year was a joke. But look to them to make a statement. The Heat will absolutely coast through the first half of the season. And Lebron is still Lebron. Cavs will finish 3rd. 6 - 10 is really a toss-up. The Sixers needed to package Iverson and get rid of him, because they can no longer defend anyone with Webber, Korver, and Iverson starting. Especially Webber.

Milwaukee is the surprise pick here. Let's see, they upgraded at point guard, power forward, and center in the offseason, and their 2 and 3 are Michael Redd and Bobby Simmons. They should win 45 games and shock a lot of people - especially if Villanueva plays any defense this year.

Playoffs in the West:

1) San Antonio

2) Phoenix

3) Houston

4) Dallas

5) Clippers

6) Memphis

7) Lakers

8) Minnesota

Analysis: I know a lot less about the Western Conference than the Eastern. So let me talk about players. If Duncan's healthy this year, he'll be the best player in the league again. If T-Mac and Yao are healthy, they'll be one of the best teams in the NBA. I don't think Amare is going to be healthy all year, which will hurt the Suns. Kobe is good enough for the playoffs, especially if he lets Odom shoot this year. And KG HAS to get his team into the playoffs this year, or he's officially off the elite player board. The Clippers are entirely reliant on Livingston becoming a very good player this year; but I'm not as sure as others are. Point guards who can't shoot, don't really last that long.

One more thought: "The best player in the NBA" debate isn't such a worthwhile discussion. But, here's all I can add about Dwyane and Lebron and Kobe. Lamar Odom, Damon Jones, Rafer Alston, Udonis Haslem, James Posey, Jason Williams, Brian Grant, all had career years playing with Wade. All of them have made their money and had their best statistical season with Dwyane. It's what Jordan did with Steve Kerr, Jud Buecheler, Luc Longley, and a host of other stooges who got multi-year deals just by being on the court with him. The greatest players make tons of money for other players - and that's what Dwyane does. Now, if Larry Hughes and Lamar Odom become All-Stars this year, Kobe and Lebron have done their job. . . if not. . . what have they done?

Conference Finals:

Heat beat Cavaliers in 7 games.

The best regular season game last year becomes the series that comes to define the games two greatest players of our generation. Seeing these guys go head to head for 7 games is more of a hope than a prediction. I give the edge to the Heat just because I think in crunch time, Wade and Posey can get stops on Lebron more often than Hughes and Lebron can get stops on Wade. Sadly, both of these teams best lineups would be without their anchors Big Z and Shaq.

Spurs beat Rockets in 5 games.

The real tough test for the Spurs will be against the Mavs. But a healthy Duncan won't let them off the hook this year. Van Gundy figures out a way to slow down the Suns attack, because Amare never gets back to full strength this year. The Spurs have been their too many times, and Duncan is like Yao-plus underneath.

Spurs over Heat in 7.

Wade again asserts himself as the world's best player, but Shaq doesn't have enough in the tank to deal with Duncan. Wade doesn't get the defensive break he had with Jason Terry having to check Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili all series. The Spurs eventually wear down the Heat to collect their final championship of Tim Duncan's prime.

Awards:

MVP: 1)Lebron James, 2) Tim Duncan, 3) Kobe Bryant 4) Elton Brand, 5) Dirk Nowitzki

A real tough one here. I don't think Wade will be in contention because the Heat will coast, and they are going to try to limit Wade's minutes from his grueling championship run and offseason. Duncan bounces back, Brand will be underappreciated, and Kobe will still be too hated. The Cavs have Hughes back, Varejao gets more minutes, so they should have enough rebounding to stay in games this year. LeBron wins the award with a Jordanesque 35, 8, and 8 on the season.

ROY: Adam Morrison

And that is Anthony Robertson's NBA preview.

Wait, Jenn Sterger is going as a slutty ref for Halloween? No shit?

My sister, she number one for sex in mouth in all of Kazakhstan!

In case the wait wasn't long enough, there are still two days until the Borat movie comes out. Here are some hilarious deleted scenes from the movie. I can only imagine how funny the actual thing will be after watching these:



I liiiiiiiiiike...

Monday, October 30, 2006

Are You Jackin' It?

For those of you that have seen the video of the kid in the Ohio State sweatshirt get caught masturbating in the public library...



Comes a pretty funny parody from the Daily Show:

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


Thoughts Not Related to the Play of Baseball in the World Series

I want to stab John Mellencamp in the fucking face. Seriously. I don't think I've wanted to kill a singer like this since Rob Thomas during the 2004 NBA Playoffs. If I have to hear "This is our Country" one more time, I will do it. I will stab Mellencamp. Don't test me. As if it weren't bad enough that we have to see that damn Dodge or Chevy commercial or whatever the fuck it is that plays that song during every break in the action, he came out to play the fuckin' thing before Game 2. Furthermore, it took them about ten minutes to find the guy before they could even start playing. His band was standing on the field just waiting for him while Jeanne Zelasko did a horrible job of alibing for him, finally saying, "I'm sure it will be worth the wait." You know what, shut the fuck up Jeanne. I don't need your ugly, no-longer-pregnant ass to tell me that it will be worth waiting an extra ten minutes for the first pitch of a World Series game so "Cougar" can play his stupid little patriotric commercial jingle. Let's not act like he wasn't in the bathroom doing coke off his third-wife's cleavage while Bob Seger was waiting in the corner to put some "Night Moves" on her.


JUST PLAY FUCKING BASEBALL. Here's a thought Fox, maybe people tune in to watch your World Series coverage to WATCH THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES. Enough of these stupid commercial tie-ins (Taco Bell's free tacos, John Mellencamp's obviously Chevy/Dodge-related appearance), musical montages, talking baseballs that explain what a fucking curveball is, etc. Just give me solid, intelligent baseball coverage. Ever think that might have something to do with the drop in ratings? The fact that you've turned baseball into a sideshow? I think the only solution at this point would be putting Keith Jackson in charge of covering all sacred sporting events. Anything else is just going to piss me off.

Why the NFL Sucks and College Football is Superior


Alright, so the NFL season is seven weeks young, and I must say, it sucks. Alright, well it doesn't NHL suck, or even come close for that matter, but when compared to college football, it sucks. At this point, would you be surprised by any outcome of any game? Barring the Raiders or Cardinals beating the Colts, my answer is no. On a week to week basis, no one has any idea who the best teams are, who the worst teams are, or what the hell Michael Irvin is trying to say. (Seriously, has he ever picked against the Cowboys? Can someone look into this? I swear, Irvin would argue that the Cowboys have an advantage in the passing game with Tony Romo even if they were facing a team featuring Jesus Christ himself behind center.)

Look at the games last week. The Texans beat the Jaguars by 20 fucking points? This is the same Texans team that currently starts Wali Lundy at running back after giving Samkon Gado, Vernand Morency, and Ron "Heisman" Dayne oppurtunities to win the job? Didn't the Jaguars nearly beat the Colts this season? Didn't they lay 41 points on the 4-3 Jets a couple of weeks ago? Whatever.

College football is just a superior product. Period. The fans are infinitely more intense about their team because their allegiances run deeper and they've played the same teams ONCE a year for close to 100 years. Also, upsets are SO much more satisfying to watch because we KNOW they're upsets when they happen. No one gave a shit when the Texans beat the Jaguars, it wasn't the subject of hours of debate on PTI or Around the Horn the next day. But when Michigan put a 47-21 whooping on pre-season #2 Notre Dame, you bet your ass people took notice. That's what's great about it. We KNOW Ohio State-Michigan is going to be a matchup of (at worst) two of the top three teams in the country come November 18th. No one can say with any confidence who is going to be playing for the Super Bowl come February. It could be the Jets and Rams for all I know.

I think the straw that breaks the camel's back is the difference in prominent pre- and post-studio analysts. Would you rather have Terry Bradshaw pronouncing Kevin Kaesviharn's last name "Cass-vay-horn" or see Lee Corso putting on a giant over-sized Hokie mascot head? I rest my case.

Forde Yard Dash:


For anyone interested in continuing the debate about 1-loss teams and where their ranking should be, I suggest Pat Forde's article. It's about the best explanation of why one loss teams should be ranked where that I have seen.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=2636798

Monday, October 23, 2006

Ridin' Low in My Chair, She Won't Know That I'm There

The Bayside High Saved by the Bell Graduation episode was on a couple mornings ago. And, rare for most television shows, this season/series finale is one of the best episodes of the Saved by the Bell catalogue. Zack is a credit short of graduation, so the gang combines for a production of a fake ballet called Swan Pond to get Zack that one more credit. (In the performance AC Slater gives his 3rd or 4th legitimate ballet performance of the series. Does Lopez ask for these scenes?)

In the other crucial story line, Screech nudges Jesse for Valedictorian by a tenth of a point. Screech, then, surrenders the title because of how much he knew it would hurt Jesse not to have it. THEN, Lisa gives Screech a kiss on the cheek the night before graduation. Jesse then starts making fun of Lisa saying how she can't believe Lisa kissed "such a dorky guy." Lisa then lets it slip about what Screech did for her, and I think gives the best acting performance in the history of the Saved by the Bell, saying "The world might be a lot better if there were more little dorky guys." Just a heartless, steely-eyed delivery from the teriffic Lark Voorhies, that drops Jesse Spano in her tracks. Powerful stuff.

So, then, Jesse lets Screech deliver the Valedictorian speech. Screech, then, graciously accepts and turns the mic over to Zack because "you're better with words than I am."

Touching. Touching.

Yet, there is a pretty major flaw in one of the earlier "final season" episodes, which make this final one a bit bothersome. That is, the episode where Zack and Lisa date.

This is a Tori episode, so Kapowski was out of the picture (along with Spano which was NEVER. . . EVER explained. And, gyad, what kind of replacement was Tory. Even for Saved by the Bell her acting was horribly painful to watch. And she wasn't good looking.) Zack is helping Lisa get a fashion show ready for some New York Art Institute. This leads to a kiss, because, if you know Zack Morris, anytime he is alone with a girl, he kisses her. All the time. It's what he does. He had to have the highest batting average of any man in the world. So, he bags the lucious Lisa Turtle, which eventually leads to the The Confrontation.

Screech confronts Zack in the hall, and knocks Zack's books out of his hand and EVEN tears Zack's silk button down shirt. But, Zack refuses to fight. Honestly, never have two people tried harder to act dramatically than Dustin Diamond and Mark Paul-Gosselar than in this scene. It's television magic. Honestly, for my money, both of them pull it off. This was maybe the most hard-hitting scene in the history of Saved by the Bell. Even much more so, than when AC Slater and Zack got into a real schoolyard brawl, over Zack and AC going after the same girl.

However, Screech, cause he's fucking Screech, eventually backs down when Lisa, who still has him by the balls, comes over and finishes the heart extraction, and tells him she has feelings for Zack. Shortly, there after, they are hugging and Screech refers to them as "his best gal" and "his best pal." It's really sickening. Of all the things Zack does which are essentially selfish (like taking the class presidency from Jesse Spano), he almost always ends the show by rectifying the situation and realizing he was wrong. Hell, he even told AC, he would stop dating his hot little sister for him.

However, this greatly influenced the way I thought about Zack Morris. Sure, he used Screech a lot, but I always figured he had a special place for Screech in his heart. And if that was the case, Lisa should have ABSOLUTELY been off limits. This was no simple high school crush that Screech had. Screech Powers loved this girl ever since their Junior High days in Indiana. (Yeah, the Miss Bliss shows, took place at an Indiana Junior High - also never explained. There's nothing Peter Engel loved more than a healthy dose of loose ends.) Screech went through hell, he taped ears onto worms, risked getting beat up by a bully, wears a heart outfit on Halloween. Jesus, Screech turned down Kelly "f-ing" Kapowski in an earlier episode for shit's sake (more on this in a later blog). Kelly Kapowski!!! He only wanted Lisa Turtle. For Zack, she is the one girl, that should have been off-limits.

Also, it would have been very different if Zack was struggling with the ladies. Zack made out with every single hot girl at that school, and everyone he ever met on any of their vacations. And, all he had to do, was not kiss Lisa. Or, at least even AFTER scoring the make out with Turtle, he could have backed off and apologized. And promised Screech it would never happen again. But he didn't, he said he had feelings for her and continued daing her, for ONE episode. This was obviously a purely physical attraction between Zack and Lisa; a quick one-show story line. And he was willing to throw away his whole friendship with Screech for this. That show forever changed the way I felt about Zack Morris. He did do some genuinely nice things for Screech in the series, this one was nearly unforgivable. I always thought Zack owed Screech big time from that point forward.

And, finally, think of all the turmoil Zack has caused with his relationships. You would think a guy with that sort of illuminating sexual aura and prowess would maybe avoid some of the stickier situations. But, no, he got into extremely complicated SERIOUS heartrending relationships with everyone that include:

Slater's little sister
The single mom in Hawaii
Leon Kerosi's (his boss's) daughter (the smokin Stacy Kerosi)
Jesse Spano (that was just briefly, but ruined the Kapowski/Slater relationship for a bit)
The female wrestler who emasculated him.
Lisa Turtle
The exchange student, Slater was hitting on
The girl in a wheelchair, who called his dating hotline
And once he got to The College Years, at Cal, on a campus full of hot girls, he goes on a full-court press for his roommate, Leslie.
Tori (that awful new girl, who sucked, and was a pain-in-the-ass biker chick)
The hot school nurse (who he ruined his 'going steady' relationship with Kapowski for)
The girl from UCLA while he was still in high school, which involved him making FAKE ID's THAT SAID THEY WERE 18 YEARS OLD, SO THEY COULD GET INTO A UCLA NIGHTCLUB CALLED "THE ATTIC".

And, ya know, I'm sure there are more. The only two normal relationships he had were with Kelly Kapowski who was always the girl for him, and who only got hotter and hotter as the series went on, and those few episodes where he was on again, off again dating Pete Sampras' old girlfriend; who played a hot, stereotypical bimbo.

[Chubbs' editor's note: I claim that Zack's relationship with Stacy Kerosi (aka the Queen of Queens)was a legitimate, serious relationship. Remember the drama caused by the return of Stacy's ex-boyfriend from college? How could we so quickly forget the importance that surrounds an ex-boyfriend's gift of a pledge pin? I know I didn't. Also, the ATV race. Remember that? Yeah, that was awesome.]

Zack's committment towards getting in awkward, weird, difficult, yet SERIOUS relationships very quickly is the driving impetus of the show; AND the reason why he and Kelly just were not together all that long.

That being said, he should have left Lisa Turtle alone.

- Anthony

Saturday, October 21, 2006

World Series Preview 2006:

It's the Fall Classic - 2006 version. And, really, honestly, I couldn't be more excited coming off that classic Cards-Mets game 7. The Cardinals have their worst team in four years going in this series, and the Tigers have the hardest throwing pitching staff of all time.

Honestly, history will judge this Tigers staff better than we can now. Currently, because most of the pitchers are so young, they really don't have the history or consistency behind them to be accurately judged.

If you ask me, Verlander's a future Cy Young winner, Robertson will go to 5 All Star games, Bonderman will be an All Star. Zumaya will probably be the next Eric Gagne (but who can predict the health of a guy who throws that hard), and Rodney will be making 8 million a year a s a closer. Honestly, if this staff wasn't on it's rookie contracts, it would be a $60 - 75 million dollar staff. (Verlander 16 mill, Rogers, 8 mil, Bonderman 11 mil, Robertson 11 mil, Todd Jones 3 mil, Zumaya 9 mil, Rodney 7 mil.. . .and on and on.) Personally, I think this staff makes the White Sox staff that barelled through the postseason last year look second-rate. This is so clearly the biggest difference between the two teams that it cannot be overstated. The Tigers have a phenomenal staff that is healthy and rested.

The Cards on the other hand are extremely banged up. Everyone knows about Rolen and Eckstein's shoulder, and Jimmy's head. But not enough is being made of Pujols' bad hamstring. Pujols without that power goes from being the best player in all of baseball bar none, to an all star hitter. He can't run as well, and he can't hit for as much power. Without being able to drive, he just isn't the same guy. He looked bad against the Mets and he sure got some easy pitches to hit.

That being said, there are a couple of ways the Cards can win this series:
1) Anthony Reyes is capable of a great start. Larussa doesn't have a lot of confidence in him, and he gets his pitch coung up high too soon. But I'm excited about him taking the mound. I really am. He could get shelled for 6 runs, or he could throw 7 shut out innings. If the Cards get blown out tonight, I'm not sure they can win. If they are close and have a shot - we'll see.

2) Catch up to the fast ball. Honestly, with the Cardinals, the worst thing you can do is throw heaters down the middle. They have a whole bunch of guess hitters on that team. Edmonds, Pujols, Wilson, Juan, can all turn on a fast ball. Again, if these guys do not run their bat into some home runs off these fireballers, they're going to be in trouble. However, if I'm Larussa, I give contact hitters like Taguchi and Spezio starts in every game. If you put the ball in play, good things can happen. Strikeouts could kill this squad.

3) Get the Tigers hitters to chase. Detroit has a lot of speed, a lot of defense, and a ton of solid contact hitters. You just can't let guys like who strike out a lot put the ball in play. You have to get those guys to strike out. They are too good on the basepaths. Sadly, the Cards only strikeout pitcher is Carpenter and Reyes, and Reyes is an unknown quantity. But you can give up singles to Polanco and Casey; the occasional long hit to Ordonez. But you need to strike out Granders, Monroe, Inge, and Thames a lot. You just need to, or you won't get out of the series.

More than anything: The Cards like facing fireball pitchers who will challenge you, a lot more than they like facing crafty guys who nibble the strike zone and let you get yourself out. So, one game the Cards are going to need to explode early in the game, and knock out a pitcher.

It's an uphill battle to be sure. But if Reyes starts gettin people to chase early in the game, and Edmonds connects with a Verlander fireball early in the game, it could change the series.

Go Cards.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Va la Gente Loca, Va Loca!!!

Well, I'm not sure how long it will be before I can talk rationally about this game. It had to be extremely entertaining to a casual viewer. But, since I'm a diehard Cardinals fan, I spend most of my time on the couch next to my brother nervously garbage-mouthing Budweisers and yelling curse words with every walk and EVERY time Juan Encarnacion came to the plate. (Speaking of Encarnacion, I know a lot was made of Oliver Perez being "the worst 7th game starter in NLCS history." But, where does Encarnacion rank as "worst clean-up hitter in NLCS history." That guy is a #7 hitter. He just is. How So Taguchi (a better defender and better contact hitter than Juan or Preston) has not gotten in the lineup is crazy.

Endy Chavez's play may be the best postseason play of all time (narrowly edging Scott Rolen's chuck into the seats in the following inning.) But, Rolen hit a rocket that Chavez had no time to gauge. He had to run full speed and get full extension into the wall and make an extraordinary catch. In response to this play my brother (27 years old, married, has a child) threw his hat across my family room and yelled "Motherfucker!", then preceded to lift his Cardinals hat and pound it into the sofa next to me for three minutes. I, however, was thrown into a coma-like state, and didn't flinch a muscle till that series of commercials were over. You can't have a bigger swing in momentum. The game was over at that play.

But, then it wasn't. Here's why:

The Cards didn't pitch to Delgado. Stay away from this man. There's a reason he has Barry Bonds power, and I think it has something to do with the size of his head. If you walk Delgado, everytime, his defense will eventually give you a run back. We walked him three times before letting our lefty specialist get a huge out on him in the eighth.

Suppan escaped a huge 1-out bases loaded jam, by striking out Valentin. And Chavez, miraculously, didn't get a hit the half-inning after robbing Rolen.

Yadier Molina homered, capping an improbably teriffic NLCS where he apparently decided to stop striking out all the time.



Keep in mind, I watched the Beltran at-bat wrapped up in a blanket, clutching a bottle of Bud and watching the TV through squinted eyes. My brother (again, 27, married, kid) watched lying on my hardwood floor and banging a yellow wiffle ball bat into the ground to get his nerves out. We didn't speak one time as soon as the baserunners got on. Hell, we didn't even make eye-contact. I'm not even sure if that kind of stress can be considered entertainment.

Oh, and if you're scoring at home: I had 6.5 bottles/cans of Budweiser last night. This brings my weekly total to 19.5 beers (Budweiser, Sam Adams Light, and Bell's Amber). I will spare the review of Budweiser. All I can say is it's delicious, and it's a superstitious thing when watching the Cards, but I don't really want to get into it.

Stay tuned for the Cards-Tigers World Series breakdown later in the day.

Mets lose! Theeeeeeeeeeee Mets lose!

Watching the Mets lose last night probably marks the last chance I have of feeling any kind of satisfaction from a baseball game for the rest of the year. It also probably helped that I was completely off the reservation for the duration of that game (just because the blog is titled "off the reservation" don't think I'll hesitate to use that phrase as I damn well please). Spent part of the night at this bar McGovern's in Newark. Yes, Newark. Believe it or not, this bar is a pretty good time. Definitely in the "dive" category, but it does have a free dart board and a beer pong table which is always a plus. Also, somehow, it's only white people. I don't quite understand how that's possible in Newark, but apparently it is.

I will give the Mets credit for a gutsy series considering their complete lack of pitching due to injuries. Oliver Perez pitched pretty well, but what hurt the Mets most in Game 7 was their complete lack of trust in Wagner who was stuck in the bullpen in the ninth inning. This of course left Aaron Heilman in to get posterized by Yadier Molina. Not like Billy Wagner did anything to inspire trust after some downright awful performances in key situations this year. Why don't you do everyone a favor and drop the "Enter Sandman" bit already, Billy. Also, who the fuck goes by the name "Billy" after their 12th birthday? Apparently Billy Beane and Billy Wagner do.

Of course, if Endy Chavez doesn't make that RIDICULOUS catch, none of this may have mattered anyway. That was undoubtedly the best play of this post-season, and certainly the best defensive play in the post-season I've seen in quite some time. The only thing that has impressed me more than that catch was the upgrade that Alex in Laguna Beach made from Rocky to unbelievably hot Lexi in about 150 seconds. I couldn't believe the stunning amount of balls it took to dump Rocky, then at the same party, not more than 5 minutes later, get Lexi's phone number. Then, in next week's episode we see that Alex calls Rocky a slut? Kudos and huzzah to you good sir. If I were a complete douchebag, I might make a "Real Men of Genius" about you. As it is, you receive a "Tip of the Cap."

Speaking of last night, it's never really a good idea to mix double digit drink totals with "Jamaican Beef Patties." Trust me on this one, folks. I wasn't even sure what the hell a Jamaican Beef Patty was before last night, but I was coaxed into ordering two by my friend Michael. Basically, the only way to describe it is a sloppy joe in a fried hot pocket. Not surprisingly, I enjoyed it. At the time. Now I want to eat a whole box of "Super Colon Blow" cereal. Also, I didn't go to class today. Hooray, Responsibility! Hooray, Beer!

I guess we're doing a weekly drink tally thing now so after last night, and last night alone I'm at 14 drinks (9 beers - Yuengling, one shot/pull/chug of Jim Beam, and 4 vodka frescas, and for disclosure's sake, one pack of P-Funks). That's right, Fresca. Don't judge me.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Beer and Bar reviews:

1st: A quick gripe about Sam Adams. I consider myself an unabashed Samuel Adams fan. I like the Boston Lager, the Black Lager, the Summer Ale, all their Seasonal stuff, and they might have a better Ocktoberfest than any German company. It's a phenomenal brewery jam packed with great tasting brews. However, last night at the bar I tried a Sam Adams Light. I am nothing if not a shill for advertising, and all of those commercials proclaiming it to have won non-light beer awards really had me hooked. So I purchase a bottle because the bar (The Full Shilling ) did not have the normal lager on tap. Sadly, it tasted extremely light. All the overwhelming floral flavor of the normal Sam Adams is sapped. It tastes like a light beer. I don't get it. Don't purchase this beer, just by the normally delicious flavors of Sam Adams.

2nd: I went to the Full Shilling with a co-worker, because we had just lost a fairly significant client at our company, and he was pretty down. At the bar, we bought a Table Tapper of PBR for for ten dollars (roughly 3 pints a piece), then I had my S.A. Light, and three Budweisers. So again, that's another 7 beers on top of the previous 6. So, my beer Tally for the week is: 13. And keep in mind I didn't drink on Monday.

3rd: The St. Louis Cardinals lost. I don't want to talk about it.

4th: The Full Shilling, which is well renowned for its thicker waitstaff, threw a better curveball than we'll see from Jeff Suppan tonight. Our bartender was inexplicably smoking hot.

Lastly: During about the 7th inning of a game, a homeless man came in and bought a vodka tonic with a bunch of singles. Part of it was really sad, because he probably saved up a lot of cash all day just to have a drink in a bar like a normal guy, instead of spending the same amount of money on a pint of Skohl. So, it was kind of touching, like Andy Dufresne getting the bottles of beer in Shawshank Redemption. However, he also reeked so strongly of poop that my manager and I had to go to the entire other side of the pub and drink at the other end of the bar.

So, that's something.

- Anthony

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

BREAKING NEWS: BOLO YEUNG

While perusing Bolo Yeung's wikipedia page I noticed that he was due to star in a movie set to debut in 2007: "Blizhniy Boy: The Ultimate Fighter."While this alone would constitute ground breaking news, the number of ridiculous co-stars set to act in this movie clinch this as worthy of an all-caps "Breaking News" headline. Yeung's co-stars? Only David Carradine, Eric Roberts (yes Julia Roberts' brother, that Eric Roberts), and...



..........




....
......







GARY BUSEY!

Also, Bolo Yeung once swam from China to Hong Kong in order to escape communism. Yes, swam.

Bolo!

The College Football "Intensity Index"

1) Michigan (39pts)
1) Ohio State (39)
3) Auburn (34)
3) USC (34)
5) Tennessee (32)
5) Florida (32)
7) Texas (28)
8) Louisville (22)
8) Arkansas (22)
10) Cal (20)
11) Georgia Tech (19)
12) Notre Dame (17)
12) LSU (17)
14) Wisconsin (16)
15) Clemson (12)
16) West Virginia (11)
17) Oregon (8)
18) Oklahoma (6)
19) Nebraska (6)
20) Rutgers (4)


The index is simply a compilation of both mine and Anthony's seperate top 20 lists. Not rocket science, people.

See Me, Touch Me, Tiki

Well in case you haven't heard this by now. Tiki Barber is claiming that he's "pretty much" made up his mind to retire this upcoming offseason. While Tiki is getting old by running back standards (31), I don't really understand this decision at all. Last year Tiki led the league in all-purpose yards with 2,390 yards. Yeah, that's right. That's the second highest total of all-time. ALL-TIME. He's also leading the NFL in rushing yards right now, despite having a bye week. This, all while running behind an offensive line that features such Pro Bowl mainstays like Dave Diehl. I could very easily make the argument that Tiki Barber is the best running back in the league.

Apparently, his off-field oppurtunities are part of the reason behind this decision. Really, Tiki? You're leaving a team that is peaking talent-wise so that you can show up more than once a week on fucking "Fox & Friends"? Believe me, Fox & Friends will always be waiting for you. Football will not. Actually, Fox & Friends will probably be cancelled, but you know what I mean.

That being said, I think Brandon Jacobs has what it takes to be a good starting running back in the NFL. He's not just a goal-line back like most people assume. He's extremely fast, and he even ran back kicks last year. However, he will not even come close to Tiki's production.
He'll never be a 70 catch running back, let alone a 35 or more catch guy. I think we'll find out that Eli Manning isn't all he's cracked up to be without Tiki Barber.

On a very minor bright side to this story, I now may have completely dicked over Bickel by trading Tiki for Laurence Maroney in our fantasy league. Take that, Bickel


Also, on a somewhat off-topic note of importance. For those of you who don't get the YES network, or for those of you who weren't watching "Giants on Deck" today at 9:40 AM (see: everyone) you missed out on one of the greatest games of H-O-R-S-E of all-time. Why was this the greatest HORSE game of all-time you ask? Because it featured Plaxico Burress squaring off against a random 10-year-old white kid. That's right, the people at "Giants on Deck" were nice enough to set this game up, and Burress failed to disappoint. Not only did Plaxico show up to this elementary schooler's gym in full ghetto gear (see: do-rag, diamond stud earrings), but he pulled absolutely no punches during the game. Plaxico asked the 10 year-old with a straight face if he was allowed to dunk, the adolescent did not oblige. Plaxico then went on to execute a number of long-range shots, and shots that featured him shooting with his back to the basket. If only Plaxico were this competitive for sixty minutes at a time.


Robert Deniro you are not, Tiki Barber

Bolo Yeung Update:

So it turns out that the actor who played Chong Li in Jean Claude Van Damme's Bloodsport was 50 years old at the time of filming. How amazing is that? Not only did he look younger than 30 years old, but he also had legitimate size D breasts of muscle while filming that.

Also, he's not dead. Double amazing!!

Bolo!

Ron English Update:

According to rumors at Rivals.com, Ron English will be a candidate for the impending coaching change at Michigan State. Ron is said to be very open to the idea of taking this job if it was offered.

Here's hoping it doesn't happen, as this man has been in charge of Michigan's best defense since 1997. However, I can't really fault a guy that young for wanting to try his hand at being a head coach.

It seems kind of fishy that MSU would be ready to interview a guy who has been a coordinator at the college level for half a season, but a guy so visible and so talented will certainly be gaining interest if Michigan's defense continues to play at a high level.

Notes from Dakin Street:

A few thoughts on the baseball playoffs and beer:

The St. Louis Cardinals had a big win last night, and I watched the game alone on my couch with a 6 pack of Bell's Amber Ale.

First, the game: Adam Wainwright and Josh Kinney were awesome last night, and I can't believe how lucky Larussa is. He has been getting credit for "going with the young kids" out of the bullpen this postseason, when, in fact, he has been lucky as hell. If he had his druthers, and everyone was healthy, Braden Looper would be setting up Jason Isringhausen, and we would be giving up roughly one run per batter faced. As it is, Kinney and Wainwright have been dominant in this posteason so far - I just hope Carpenter can get the ball to them tonight.

For all the noise that has been made about the Mets utter lack of competitive starting pitching (when did Glavine become an 'staff anchor' again?,'), the Cardinals offense hasn't done much. If the Mets want to blame someone, it should be their hitters. Weaver, to his credit, has pitched with more focus and bite on his curve ball than I have ever seen. But the Mets hitters are just better than Weaver, and they couldn't get to him.

That being said, I wouldn't be surprised at all if the Mets blow out the Cards in these last two games: (See Vietnam flashbacks from the 1996 NLCS vs the Braves).

Also, it's a joy to watch Rolen, Pujols, and Edmonds field their positions. All three of them do it better than anyone. With men on 2nd and 3rd and one out in the 9th, Shawn Green hit a ball of the end of his bat to centerfield. It's the kind of a huge swing that causes most CF's to break back on the ball. And Jimmy, started running forward at the crack of the bat (He plays very shallow anyway), and caught the shallow ball holding Carlos Delgado at third base. With a lot of guys, that's a two-run single. It's just fun to watch them.
If you don't think I'm buying a Ronnie Belliard t-shirt jersey this offseason, you're crazy.
Also: Bell's Amber Ale is really quite good. I'm not a crazy Bell's beer fan like some Michiganders, but it's got a nice hop aroma, very refreshing, full-flavored. It was the perfect beer to go with the game.

That being said, I drank 6 of them, alone, on my couch. So, I'm not sure what that says about me. But it definitely gets my seal of approval (Beer tally for the week (since Monday): 6) (Yes, from now on, I will keep a beer tally, so that there will be a public record to be used for my intervention in 5 years.)

And, of course, because the Cardinals won, I woke up with no hangover at all. Had they lost, I probably would have needed to call in sick.

- Anthony


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

MTV's Two-A-Days: Great Show? Or Greatest Show?

So the first season of Two-A-Days is over, and I feel the need to make some points about the show. For those of you who didn't watch the show, it follows the season, and more importantly, the social lives, of a high school football team in Hoover, Alabama. The team's nationally ranked, has won three state titles in a row, and has produced some big name players (Chad Jackson on the Patriots, John Parker Wilson who is Alabama's starting QB, and his brother Ross Wilson, the current QB who is currently a highly touted recruit.)

I have four main points:

1. The guys on that team must crush so much ass, it is absurd. The town they live in has absolutely NOTHING going for it other than high school football. Even the girls in the high school seem to comprehend Xs and Os type of football information. It's crazy. Also, these girls are smoking hot. Yes, I know they are or were still in high school, but I don't care. Alex's ex-girlfriend Kristin is unbelievable. However, she didn't accept my myspace friend request, so that's not something working in her favor.

2. Rush Propst is not a smart coach. Hoover is a really good high school football team because everyone in the town is expected to play football. While I will give credit to Coach Propst for possibly working them harder than anybody else (which is an important part of coaching obviously), he's still a complete moron.

First, his pre-game and halftime speeches are TERRIBLE. He doesn't say a word more than four letters long during any of them. Believe me, I'm not saying cursing isn't effective. It is. But merely saying , "BEAT THE PISS OUT OF 'EM!" repeatedly isn't going to inspire anyone. You have to at least attempt to tell a story. Preferrably one that uses the word "fuck" a lot.

Secondly, in the game they lost, they knew they were facing a mobile QB the entire week, and then Propst complains the defense couldn't stop them when he had them running plays against their pocket QB all week. Shouldn't he have used that kid Cornelius at QB during practice for a good portion of that week so the defense would have experience against a running QB? Did anybody else notice this?

3. Goose is a fucking douchebag and a pussy. When he showed up at Alex's house with Kristin as a part of that whole "cheerleaders deliver baked goods the night before the game" thing that apparently happens in the South, I was amazed that Alex didn't punch him in the face. This was like 3 days after Alex had broken up with Kristin. I don't care that Alex banged out Keagen or that Goose wasn't great friends with Alex, hanging out with a teammates' ex-girlfriend that soon after a breakup in such a clear, sexually motivated manner is unacceptable. Thankfully, it appears that Goose's fat ass is relegated to hanging out only with chicks now who haven't appeared to touch his penis. The final episode was vague as to how things are between him and Kristin, but she used the word "friend" a lot, so I'm guessing they don't rub naughty parts. Fuck you, Goose. Also, I think the fact that this idiot would sully the name of Maverick's partner like that pisses me off even more.


4. Repete was the most intriguing character on this show. I don't understand why the focus was on Alex. First, Repete is the most "dirty South" of all the characters. Repete featured the blowout afro or dreads at all times. Furthermore, his name is fucking Repete. Not Pete Jr. Repete. His Dad's name isn't even Pete or Peter either, it's just his nickname. Plus his Dad was a massive alcoholic who seemingly led all the idiotic cheers in the stadium, and interrupted a post-game interview with his son drunkenly. Finally, Repete has a thing for white chicks. His girlfriend was white, and he was almost suspended from the starting lineup for a game after asking for white girls' phone numbers in the stands during the game.



A little follow up on the show. Repete was able to walk on at Auburn, but later "quit" the team. Sounds like he got booted off to me. Ross Wilson has decided to play baseball instead of football for the Crimson Tide. Finally, Alex Binder was arrested for breaking and entering a motor vehicle the summer after his senior year. However, Alex's myspace profile contains a photo of his highly underage girlfriend Danielle, who needless to say, is extremely good looking.

Alex's myspace profile... if you look at his friends you can find his girlfriend and Kristin too. Yeah, I'm a loser.

Juan Uribe: Officially Crazier than Ozzie Guillen?

Juan Uribe was involved this week in a shooting in the Dominican Republic that injured two complete strangers. Apparently, a member of the Italian Navy and a Domincan farmer approached the Jeep of Juan Uribe when shots were fired, injuring the two. Apparently the shots came from a pistol AND A SHOTGUN! Uribe's brother and his bodyguard are already under arrest and a warrant is out for Juan.

Here's my guess of what happened. Juan was driving an H2 through the no-doubt disgusting streets of some Dominican slum, constantly being harrassed by passers-by who merely wanted some money or acknowledgement of their existence when he finally snapped and began a game of Grand Theft Auto: Santo Domingo.

The real amusing thing here is whether Sox GM's Kenny Williams "vote of confidence" given to Juan Uribe's hold on the shortstop position two weeks ago still stands. I think any GM would have a hard time convincing me that a guy who had a .257 on-base-percentage is worth keeping around as the starting shortstop, particularly now that he's gone Ugueth Urbina on some poor bastards walking down the street in Big Papi's hood. I think at the very least, it's a safe bet that the White Sox won't be picking up his $5 million option for the 2008 season. Just a hunch.

Hat Steal:

Anthony's analysis: Yes, it is true, I had no idea about the hat steal. A pretty girl at a bar once stole my hat and started asking me if she looked good in it. I got pretty pissed off, because I hate when anyone steals my hat, and I angrily stole it away from her. I essentially took it as a sign that the couple of minutes she had spent hitting me before were washed away.

Well, we had a pretty serious debate about the hat steal with a couple nimrods we lived with in Ann Arbor; and they all agreed the hat steal was at least 80% effective. Then, we were watching a Blind Date episode. And this douchebag on the show said something to the effect of, "I wasn't sure she liked me till she started taking my hat from me."

Yes, Chubbs 100% of hat steals he has finished the deal is correct. Although, he is like Dave Veres from a late 90's Cardinals team: 1 AB, 1 HIT. And yes, it was a single.

-Anthony

The Hat Steal: The Female Answer to Buying a Drink

It’s probably happened to you, you’ve been at a party, drinking some beer, throwing some meat, when a chick you’ve been talking to takes your hat and places it on her head. After you've overcome your intial reaction to slug the girl because you are overprotective of your hat, and your hair probably looks like Eric Byrnes' on Baseball Tonight, you rejoice in knowing that you're about to score. There’s been some debate on this (see: Anthony), but I think the hat steal is pretty much the most obvious way a girl can let you know that she wants to touch your penis, aside from her openly saying, “I want to touch your penis.”

This may be a trend with girls, as my friend Shaw has pointed out another twist to the clothing stealing theory. I'll call this the "post-coital cross-dress" corollary. Basically, this occurs when a girl decides to wear your clothing home the morning after a beat sesh. The motive here being continued contact between the female and you in the hopes of future beat sessions. In both cases, a girl takes advantage of our masculine need to protect property to induce a sexual advance. Love is truly a mysterious fig.

Anthony is just jealous because a hot chick did the hat steal to him once, and he didn’t realize it meant she wanted to do the dirty deed. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation where a girl stole my hat and I haven’t hooked up with her. Exceptions might exist where the girl in question had a few too many pounds. Although, who am I kidding, there are definitely a few of those too.

The Worst Call in the History of Professional Sports:

For anyone who doesn't know, I am an unabashed, die-hard, ruin my day, cry if we lose, Cincinnati Bengals fan.

This past Sunday we lost to the Tampa Bay Bucs and played absolutely awful. Carson looked bad. We only throw the ball to Chad 7 times. I just don't understand the offense right now.

But, that withstanding, the worst callin the History of Professional football occurred this week. Late in the game, the Bucs are losing to the Bengals by 6 with about two minutes left, and

THE REFS CALLED THIS ROUGHING THE PASSER: http://seahawks.aolsportsblog.com/2006/10/15/the-bengals-got-screwed/

Keep in mind. I was watching this game in a bar in Chicago with Bears fans, and even the Bears fans were visibly upset by this call.

So, if anyone's reading this, please post a comment as to how this could be roughing the passer.

Rigoddamndiculous.

Michigan Football:

All right, all right.

We are having a very good year at Michigan. Everyone on the team with the exception of our second cornerback looks great. However, there is some opinon out there that Chad Henne has made HUGE strides from last year. Again, this is a classic case of a quarterback getting credit for making great improvements, when, in fact his supporting cast has improved so much around him. Henne has always been good; and has always been a significant improvement over John Navarre.

He's probably not an outstanding QB, but he has never been awful.

Look at Henne's cast last year. He had Avant as his #1 WR, and Breaston as his #1.5 WR. He was also missing three offensive lineman for most of the year, and Mike Hart was not healthy the entire year.

Now, Mike Hart is healthy. The O-line is healthy and playing phenomenally. Breaston is back comfortable as a #3 wideout and slot specialist, because Mario Manningham has assumed the role of number one receiver on the team. If you give Henne from last year a bonafide top 5 WR in the country (Manningham), a guy who may be as good already (and more talented) as Avant (Arrington), and a healthy Mike Hart (who, for my money is the best RB in the country even with Adrian Peterson healthy.) Henne has an outstanding year. He didn't get worse from freshman year, he lost his best WR in Braylon, his best RB in Hart, and his best O-Linemen.

Also, we have the best front 7, defensively, in the country this year. What if 17 points wouldn't have been enough in Happy Valley last year?

Fact is, Henne is having a great year, and he throws the prettiest deep ball I have seen since Jeff Blake. However, those deep balls were wasted last year, because we tried to go deep to Breaston. Manningham gets more separation going deep than any Michigan receiver since Derrick Alexander. And that's why Henne looks so damn good this year.

Go Blue. Beat Iowa.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Kirk Herbstreit: Attractive Man? Yes. Stupid? Most likely.

Now, I actually kind of like Kirk Herbstreit despite the fact that he attended that cesspool university that's located in Columbus, Ohio. However, when you put up a myspace profile as a thirty-four year old man in the public spotlight, you're asking for it. Kirk Herbstreit's profile isn't completely stupid, in fact his multimedia choices are mildly interesting. However, he may want to edit his "favorite movies" section before anybody notices. Not only is "Four Brothers" listed as his second favorite movie, but he goes on to include "The Polar Express" and "The Journey of a Penguine [sic]." That's right. Kirk Herbstreit can't spell "penguin." Not really all that surprising I guess, since Corso probably can't spell his own last name. Also, I doubt Kirk Herbstreit really cares to spell such words correctly in between nailing his hot wife and analyzing football in front of a thousand hot co-eds who want to get railed by him every week.

Kirk Herbstreit is better looking than you.

Drafting ESPN's Reporters:

1. Suzy Kolber - This may seem like a bit of an upset considering how unbelievably hot Erin Andrews is, but there are some important factors which make her #1.

First, she may be the only female reporter not named Linda Cohn who I actually listen to for content. When she used to babysit Merril Hoge on "Edge: NFL Matchup" I enjoyed how, unlike Merril, she used the phrase "NFL" as opposed to referring to it as "The National Football League" EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Second, as you probably remember, she conducted the single most important sideline interview in the uneventful history of the sideline reporter. Of course, I'm referring to Joe Namath's "I just want to kiss you" interview. Although, I think my favorite part of this interview isn't so much Joe Namath's blacked out attempt to hook up with Kolber as it is his slurred description of Chad Pennington as a "quality, classy quarterback."

Joe Namath: An American Poet.

Anthony's Analysis: Really a phenomenal first pick. For me it's not even close. Suzy Kolber saved Edge NFL matchup. And really don't we have to trust Joe Namath's opinions? This is a man who was the NFL's most popular player in New York City. He has probably seen more good looking broads up close than I could ever imagine. If drunk Joe Namath thinks Kolber is good enough to shtup, she should be good enough for Chubbs Kellett and she sure is.

Also, could there be anything better than a post-coital discussion of the Tampa Bay Cover Two that Suzy could provide.



2. Erin Andrews - Yeah, she's really hot. I've seen her up close and in person, too. This isn't just a "she looks hot on TV" thing. I don't have anything funny to say.

Anthony's Analysis: Yeah, sure, she's really hot. But if you look at Erin Andrews and Trev Alberts they have the same face. Has anyone ever seen them in the same room. Lately, Erin has started to wear her hair in a ponytail which narrows her face a little bit. But, I don't understand, how people miss this. But Chubbs also regularly hits on one of our best friends' little sisters who looks FREAKISHLY like him. So, who knows, that may just be the straw that stirs Chubbs' drink.



3. Colleen Dominguez - She adds a little latin flavor to this mix. I'm always down for an ethnic girl, particularly if she's older, and still really hot. That being said, she might be completely held together at this point with Elmer's Glue and eye-shadow.

Anthony's Analysis: I guess Chubbs didn't write much of anything because it's just an indefensible pick. I've never been much into the "mature" look. Yeah, she stays pretty fit. But I'll find old chicks (not named Dame Judi Dench, of course) attractive when I'm older than thirty. For now, keep providing the young vixens like . . .

4. Rachel Nichols - I have a hard time ranking Rachel Nichols because there are times where I look at her and think, "Wow, she looks kind of naughty" and there are times where I look at her and think, "Is she still wearing a retainer? Why doesn't her mouth move properly?" That being said, I'll take any ESPN reporter who is good looking enough for a drunken makeout session and, also, isn't Pam Ward.

Also, I think I could hook up with her. I dare you to prove me wrong Rachel. I'm always at the bar. Why are you avoiding me?

Anthony's Analysis: I think Chubbs hit this one right on the head. She's a little sultry, and she gives the impression that you may actually meet her in a bar, and possibly make out with her. A very nice combination - a lot like Kirsten Dunst in that way. I really would consider drafting her number one. Kind of a hot voice, too.



5. Michelle Tafoya - She's kind of hot. Not hot in that "she's attractive" way, but hot in that "she might be your friend's mom who you secretly want to bang, but it's not really that big of a secret because you talk about it all the time" kind of way. Also, I can't really get a good look at her body under all those female suits she wears.

Anthony's analysis: Getting plumper, and older, but still has a nice package. She's been around of a long time, but still pretty good looking. Bonus points because one of our friends from college lived in the same neighborhood as Michelle Tafoya and could see her in her bedroom with only her underwear on. So, I guess that's something. . .is it?

6. Linda Cohn - L-Co! I think we all remember where we were when we saw Linda Cohn modeling with Mr. Met in her bathing suit. Also, she's in the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame (that's not a joke, you can look it up), and she's had to put up with Stuart Scott all these years which should be rewarded somehow. Seriously Stuart, you have to stop with the horribly outdated hip-hop references. My Mom used "off the heezy" three years ago. Also, you have a dead eye. Nice work, asshole.

Anthony's analysis: She's kind of old, and not terrible looking. She's been with me for so long, she feels more like an aunt to me then an object of sexual lust. But in a bind, I would still take her over...

7. Holly Rowe - I think Holly Rowe's search engine results speak for themselves.

Anthony's analysis: She looks like she has a great personality.

8. Lee Corso - This ranking is in no way meant to imply that Lee Corso is a woman. However, Lee Corso is ranked here because it is a scientific fact that any man who watches college football would rather do Lee Corso than Pam Ward. Granted, both acts would be dispicable and scarring, but at least having sex with Lee Corso would make for a funny story. Sex with Pam Ward would actually make you more gay than sex with Lee Corso would, too.

Anthony's analysis: Hahahaha. Wow. Chubbs and I saw old footage of Lee Corso with his arm around a babe in the sixties listening to some damn hippie play an acoustic guitar. Good lord I hope Pam Ward doesn't accidentally read this blog.

And, while I may not want to do Lee Corso. That Texas cheerleader is one lucky girl.

9. Pam Ward - I don't know what to say about Pam Ward, really. I wouldn't fuck Pam Ward with Sean Salisbury's dick. I would feel bad for her grotesque boyishness, but it's not like she doesn't have a staff that includes professional makeup artists. Hell, Holly Rowe wears enough makeup to fit in at a showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." I can just imagine what goes through Chris Spielman's head every Saturday when he's relegated to serving as this he-she's sidekick: "What gender of pronouns do I use?" "Is she like, into chicks or something?" "I guess I'd do her if somebody paid me." "Boy, Ohio State fans sure are stupid."

Anthony's analysis: I don't know what Chubbs is talking about. Pam Ward has a very sexy adam's apple.

Steve Lyons: Complete and Utter Moron.

I don't know how many of you saw the circumstances surrounding the firing of Steve Lyons' dismissal from Fox, but I was watching and paying attention to the broadcast when this thing happened.

Basically, Lou Piniella first compared expecting Marco Scutaro to perform well in the ALCS to "finding a wallet on Friday" then expecting to find another one sometime next week. Later, when Piniella began speaking in Spanish, Steve Lyons claimed that he couldn't find his wallet, and that he didn't want to sit too close to Piniella now that he was "hablaing [sic] espanol."

The funny thing is, Steve Lyons is so god damned stupid and incomprehensible that I had no idea whether that was a racial joke, or even what the hell he generally was trying to say. I just sat there, waited for one of the other announcers to respond in a manner that would suggest that what he said was offensive, and got nothing. I then thought about it for a couple of minutes, and blood shot of my ear.

Also, what the fuck kind of analogy is it to compare expecting a shitty hitter to play well in two consecutive playoff series with finding a wallet on a Friday, then going out looking for one the next week? Has anyone ever done this? Aren’t there a million actual situations where someone might expect for continued good luck? The lottery? Poker? Dice?

Furthermore, is Lou Piniella implying that if he were to find a wallet on the ground, that he would keep the money and possibly use its credit cards? Does he not make enough money already? Fox should absolutely not be allowed to broadcast baseball, this is absurd. How can you not find three people who don’t have full blown down syndrome to broadcast these games? Jesus fucking Christ.

Here's a link to an article describing what happened:

Steve Lyons, the same guy who brought you de-pantsing himself in front of an entire stadium, now presents: failed attempts at racist humor