Thursday, November 23, 2006

Real World: Denver
Off to a Promising Start

I watched the Real World season premiere earlier today, and I've got to say that I was pleasantly surprised. Thank God for Mtv Overdrive, by the way. If there wasn't Mtv overdrive, there is no way I would be able to fit these shallow TV shows into my demanding and busy drinking schedule. I don't think Mtv or Fox got the memo that they can't air shows like the OC or the Duel on any night other than Monday or Tuesday because otherwise there's a 90% chance I'll be missing it in order to get slammered. Come on guys, I'm in a desirable advertising demographic. Cater to me.

I really hope this is a good Real World season. Everything has really been downhill since Real World: San Diego. San Diego had it all: a highly amusing and entertaining meathead, a really hot chick, a chick with huge fun bags, an under the radar hottie, an emo basket case, and a funny non-militant black guy. Plus, San Diego gave us the "Drunk tank! All night!" line. Since then, it's been nothing but lame ass, low-intensity morons with no intriguing in-house hookup drama.

Here's why I think this season will be successful:

1) These people GET AFTER IT. It's quite clear after two nights of events that there is going to be a lot of brodying going on with this cast. We've already had one post-party extend into a post-sunrise drunken beat sesh that almost featured a potentially hazardous oven-fire. Post-parties = sex, embarassing moments, shouting, and fighting or more simply, good intensity.

2) All the chicks on the show are pretty hot. I don't think any of these girls quite reach Cameran or Mallory status, but I would definitely let these girls touch my wiener. Jennifer, the Raiderette dancer, is borderline very hot, and she is obviously a huge slut. Colie, the chick from Jersey, is also a huge slut, but she appears to lack self-confidence and will probably latch on to whoever she hooks up with (Awesome! Jersey!) Finally, there's Brooke, who hasn't had as much attention focused on her but has already admitted to being a semi-nympho, so that's something. All in all, I'm pleased.

3) The Colie-Alex-Jennifer love triangle is going to result in problems. I can't believe it's been two nights and this dude Alex has already slept with two different roommates. Wow. I thought that guy was going to be a huge pussy when I saw his earrings and his somewhat effiminate mannerisms, but I guess I was proved wrong. I can't fault a guy who gets after it, and he gets after it (see: post-sunrise beat sesh on night two with Jennifer). There is no way this thing doesn't cause problems. It's quite clear that Colie has a thing for Alex that runs deeper than just wanting to makeout with him. Colie may say she just wants to make out with him, but let's face it, she's from Jersey. Also, she was practically hanging off of him and mentioning how he should sleep in her bed anytime he didn't have his tongue down her throat. It's also abundantly clear that Alex would much rather bang out Jennifer, who's the hotter chick, whenever he can. In the meantime though, Alex, like most men (self included), lacks self-restraint and will probably continue to hook up with Colie because she's also kind of hot, even though it's going to lead her on, because, well, he can.

4) Mtv finally put two black guys together. Now we can finally see what it's like when "the black guy" isn't marginalized into one storyline a season because none of the white guys will talk to him. Instead, we're probably going to see Tyrie and Steve dominate the season since I don't really see over-sexed hetero Alex and ambiguously gay Davis developing any sort of deep friendship. Plus the fact that one of the black guys is JACKED and seems to be all about banging chicks with huge asses while the other black guy is a conservative Christian Republican is hilarious to me. I think this dynamic is going to be the X-factor, and could potentially elevate this show over a season like San Diego.

5) Jennifer will be in Playboy. Mark my words. This will happen.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Sassy Black Grandmother

Alright, first off, I just want to say, that I don't think either Anthony or myself are quite prepared to offer any musings on the Ohio State game. Maybe a few years from now, I'll be able to step back, and analyze the game without wanting to swallow my tongue. Actually, no probably not. Let's just move on.

Anyway, I was watching You Got Served earlier today and had an epiphany. Yes, the word "epiphany" just appeared in the same sentence as a slang version of the word "served." Mainly, that the sassy, black grandmother is absolutely my favorite cliche character of all time. There really is nothing better, or more obvious to spot. In fact, Martin Lawrence has apparently made a lot of money over the past few years by capitalizing on the "sassy, black grandmother" market with the "Big Momma's House" franchise. It raises an interesting question: Are there any cranky black grandmothers? I contend that there are not. Anyway, here are my favorite characteristics of a sassy black grandmother:

1) Says "Oooooooooooooooooo child!" or "Ooooooooooooooo boy!" endlessly.

This is the official phrase of a sassy black grandmother. No other movie character is allowed to utter "Oooooooooo child!" Seriously, can you imagine a white grandmother, or even just a normal black person saying that? You can't, because it's never happened.

2) Wise

The sassy black grandmother is always willing to provide grandmotherly advice. That's her role, essentially, to dispense advice to her dumb as a brick grandson who has inevitably gotten himself into trouble. However, this advice is never delivered in a condescending tone. It's always done in a "boys will be boys" type manner.

3) Hip

The sassy black grandmother is also inevitably hip. She is always up on the latest trends in popular culture, even if it does not fit her 1940s sensibilities. This usually involves the grandmother referencing that some current R&B crooner (i.e. Usher) gets her "flustered" or "hot under the collar" or the grandmother doing her best to dance and sing along with some sexuall inappropriate jam (i.e. Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me")

4) Compares her grandson or granddaughter to another elder family member in a reverential tone

The most common example of this is the grandmother somehow explaining away some character flaw in her grandson as representative of his grandfather, thereby making it OK. For example, "That's that pride talking. You got that from your grand-daddy." This was used most effectively in You Got Served when the sassy black grandmother agrees to spot Omarion (or the other guy, whatever) 5 g's so they can enter a dance-off. Obviously Omarion knew where to turn when the chips were down. The sassy black grandmother.

Friday, November 17, 2006

R.I.P. Bo

I had a good chance to meet Bo Schembechler and I have nothing but the highest of praise for the man. Seemed like the kind of guy you would love to call a grandfather. The guy treated me, a stupid Michigan undergraduate student, like I was his starting Quarterback. Nice guy, nothing but class, exhibited the utmost respect towards perfect strangers who admired what he'd done for the university, and helped make Michigan what it is today.

R.I.P. Bo

Goodbye, Bo.

Bo Schembechler, Michigan football coaching legend, died today at the age of 77.

Truly a loss for the Michigan community. Let's keep Bo and his family in our thoughts and prayers.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Kellett's Keys to Victory
Why Michigan Will Beat Ohio State

1. The Running Game

I don't see this being a very high scoring game. I don't think anybody really does. Anthony earlier estimated that there's maybe an 8% chance this thing turns into a shootout. Michigan's running game gives them an advantage in this regard. I refuse to even acknowledge pundits (cough Mark May cough) who think that Antonio Pittman is as good of a running back as Michael Hart. Sorry, not buying it. You're telling me that with a noticeably more dangerous passing attack, Pittman didn't average 4.0 ypc in every game? Sorry. That means you're not an elite running back. I'm not saying Antonio Pittman isn't good, he certainly is. But elite running backs like Michael Hart don't rush 32 times for only 58 yards (1.8 ypc) against Illinois, or 2.7 ypc against Michigan State.

Pittman will be facing one of the best run defenses in the history of college football, so I expect him to be limited to at least below 3 yards per rush, if not worse. Michael Hart, on the other hand hasn't averaged worse than 4 yards per rush in any game this season while averaging over 124 yards per game. Granted, this could end up being his least productive game of the season, but the consistency he's shown me has proven that he will at least be effective in helping Michigan control the ball, gain first downs, and ultimately win the field position battle. Michael Hart must do this. If Antonio Pittman outperforms Michael Hart, Michigan will not win.

2. A Defense That Doesn't Depend on Turnovers

Both teams have very good defenses. Michigan is allowing an astonishing 22 yards per game on the ground, and 231 overall, while Ohio State leads the nation allowing only 7.8 points per game. However, the key difference is that Michigan's defense does not depend on turnovers. Ohio State has 22 interceptions this year, which is an enormous part of their nation-leading 7.8 ppg allowed on defense. However, in a game as important as this, turnovers are not going to be found around every corner. Michigan has Michael Hart, who has not lost a fumble in his career, and I would be shocked to see Michigan put Henne in a situation where he's made to force a pass. Henne is hopefully too smart at this point in his career to throw an interception in a game like this just because he's getting backside pressure. He will take the sack.

Take a look at the yards per play stats:

Michigan defense: 1.3 yards per rush
Ohio State defense: 3.2 yards per rush
(Keep in mind that Michigan has played a tougher schedule which included NCAA leading rusher PJ Hill)

Michigan defense: 5.5 yards per pass attempt
Ohio State defense: 5.5 yards per pass attempt

Michigan sacks: 41
Ohio State sacks: 33

I think from this analysis it's clear that Michigan has a better defense. Turnovers depend a lot on other variables, as do points allowed per game. Ohio State has a great defense, no doubt about it, but considering Michigan's tougher schedule and their clear statistical advantage in some categories, I think they have a defense that will put their offense in good field position often enough to win this game. If Michigan can get to Troy Smith a few times, and effectively shut down Antonio Pittman, Michigan will win this football game, with or without creating turnovers.

My Prediction:
Michigan 20 Ohio State 13

Robertson's Reasons:

1) Pop 'em early. Stay aggressive.
For the Blue to win this game the last thing they can do is play scared. OSU is going to be loading up to stop Hart, and when they do, we have to take our shots down the field regularly. If we can get OSU's safeties off the line, we'll eat up their ground game. I think all Wolverine supporters understand that, ideally, Hart gets thirty rushes in this game. But, the worst thing we can do is suffer a bunch of three and outs, which would mean: Punt to Ginn, Punt to Ginn, Punt to Ginn. Ohio State hasn't faced a downfield passing attack like ours all year, test those corners and safeties early and often.

2) Understanding Troy Smith
All the analysts keep talking about how Michigan has to bottle up Troy Smith and not let him make plays with his feet. This is true. But the problem with Troy Smith this year, hasn't been when he runs with the ball, but rather when he avoids the rush and then chucks the ball downfield. Let's be honest, Ted Ginn is an awful route runner, and has trouble getting open on his inital move. But as soon as Troy Smith avoids the rush and moves out of the pocket. The game turns into a punt return for Ginn and he uses his track-star speed to rush for an open area. So, what's the key: When Michigan blitzes, they HAVE to get to him, and when they don't, bottle up Ginn and Gonzales in a stifling zone.

3) What to do with Leon Hall
It's really amazing that all week I have not heard an analyst ONCE mention Leon Hall. NOT ONCE!!! He might be the best player on the best defense in the country, and is the best cornerback in the land. I see Michigan employing a similar strategy as they did against Notre Dame: Let Hall bottle up Gonzales, and roll the rest of the coverage towards Ginn. Gonzales has become a media darling because he routinely faces the team's second best corner, and no one rolls the coverage towards him. Confuse Ginn (who doesn't read a defense well) with multiple zones on his side (and always give safety help over the top) and take out Gonzales with (let me repeat) THE BEST CORNERBACK IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

4) Be smart on 3rd and Long.
I still want to be in attack mode all game, but we really need to understand that 3rd and 13 inside our 35 is running down. Ohio State's defense has made it's hay all year on getting interceptions and fumble/sacks on these third and longs. Don't play into their hand and risk a big turnover on our side of the field. Give the ball to Hart or Jackson, punt the ball, and get the defense on the field.

5) BLOW UP THE GIMMICK PLAYS (ie, Stay at home).
Michigan's defense is so solid at every position (look away Morgant Trent. LOOK AWAY!), that it's tough to envision Ohio State killing us with off tackles, dives, button-hooks, or fly routes. But, they certainly have a ton of read-options, reverse-passes, double-reverses, and flea flickers up their sleeves to turn the big play. And, unlike a team like Indiana, when a team with this kind of offensive speed and firepower runs a gimmick play it's scary. So English has to be preaching to his guys not to overpursue. It's all right to bend a little and give up a first down - that won't kill you; but giving up that 44 yard reverse will.

I think Michigan has the more talented football team. I really do. Who knows how it will play out one solitary Saturday in Columbus, though.

Now: A Few Good Men:

Sam: Did I ever tell you I wrote a paper about that '97 Michigan team?
Kaffee: Yeah
Sam: One of the best teams ever
Kaffee: Yeah they were.
Sam: And if I were Dawson and Downey and I were given a choice between the '97 team and this year's team to represent me in the Horseshoe this year, I'd pick this team every day of the week and twice on Sunday. You should've seen them thunder away at Notre Dame.
Kaffee: Would you beat #1 OSU in the Shoe?
Sam: No
Kaffee: You think the '97 team would've?
Sam: With the talent OSU's got, not in a million years. But here's the thing, and there's really no way of getting around this. Neither the '97 team nor Sam Weinberg is playing in the greatest game of all time, so there's really only one question. What would the 2006 team do?

My answer to that: Michigan 31 - OSU 20

Monday, November 13, 2006

The Biggest Game in the History of College Football

I've added a video of Michigan kicking Ohio State's ass over the years.

So I made a video to pump myself up for "The Game." Enjoy.



Collision in Columbus

History lives here.

Rivalries live here.

Michigan - OSU lives here.

It's the biggest college football game of all time.

The only way it could be equalled is if the SEC abolished the championship game, and let Auburn - Alabama play in their last regular season game - undefeated. But other than that, it's not happening and may never happen again.

The dominance of these two teams has been unmistakable. The most nervous moment for either team all year was Ball State's game-tying drive at the Big House two weeks ago. That's it. Neither team has trailed in a fourth quarter all year. Neither team has won a game by less than a touchdown all year. Both teams went on the road and demolished quality opponents. Neither of these teams have anything approaching a tainted win - no bullshit Craig Krenzel chucks on 4th and 1; no dropped Braylon passes setting up game-winning field goal; no hail mary kick in the end zone.

Nothing. Dominance to the point of boredom.

Usually the Ohio State game is Blue's one last shot at redemption. One chance to right the wrongs - a three loss season, a loss on the road to Oregon, getting blown out by Notre Dame; slipping up against State. OSU is the salve to slather the wounds of a Kordell Stewart chuck and a Westbrook catch.

Not this time.

Not with a defense that features America's best d-tackle, best linebacker, and best cornerback.

Not with Mike Hart whose bludgeoning consistency sometimes overshadows his brilliant talent and charismatic leadership.

Not with a quarterback who can put a ball in a laundry basket from 50 yards away.

Not with a wide receiver, who relies not on overwhelming speed or freakish size, but on the route-running of Chad Johnson and Marvin Harrison's demeanor, to constantly beat corners.

Not with David Harris, whose label as "solid" has gotten to the point of being an insult to his play, which ranges much closer to the spectacular than solid.

Gone are the blinding talents of Braylon, Perry, Marlin and Watson whose speed and strength made them look like NFL players caught in a college game; but who sometimes lacked Avant, English, and Hart's lunch-pail focus.

Gone is the micro-managing Jim Herrman whose wisdom in '97 turned into too much tinkering that bottled up considerable defensive talent.

Instead, make no mistake about it. This is Mike Hart's team. It's a team that couldn't give two shits about endorsements, looking good on camera, NFL stock, or even a Heisman trophy.

It's a team where Braylon's well-spoken politician's style and movie-star looks have been replaced by Mario Manningham's shyness with reporters

Marlin Jackson's "me against the world" attitude has been replaced by Leon Hall's demeanor which is more nerd than thug.

Gabe Watson's uninspired hustle has been replaced by Alan Branch's puppy-like enthusiasm.

It's a team that plays with a quiet passion and an overwhelming intensity.

And, honestly, I don't know if we'll win. I don't know how good OSU is. I can't tell if they're phenomenally good, or merely very good. I don't know how Henne will do in Columbus. I don't know if they can bottle up Hart, or if we'll make a mistake on our side of the field; or if Ginn will punish our punt coverage.

However, what I do know, is that this time when we visit Columbus we are not searching for holy water to wipe away the regular season's sins.

This time, we are searching for greatness.

Go Blue.

- Anthony

Friday, November 10, 2006

Signing Pitchers to Long Term Deals: Bad Idea

Check this article out. Offers a pretty good analysis of how long-term contracts for pitchers has panned out over the years.

I generally agree with this principle. Particularly now, as a Yankees fan, having watched Carl Pavano go from coveted free-agent to team cancer in a two year span. It's one thing to not pitch well (see: Jaret Wright) but it's completely inexcusable to act like a complete pussy like Carl Pavano has been over the past two years. He made only 17 starts in his first season, followed by the Yankees babying him with his "sore" shoulder the entire season before he got into a fucking car accident which he didn't tell the team about until well after it happened. What a fucking douchebag. He can burn in hell for all I care.

This brings me to another point: Why do pitchers get babied nowadays? Like how the hell did pitchers go from being able to throw 500 innings in a season to now 200+ if they're lucky? How does this collectively happen? It's ridiculous. Particularly when you consider the fact that pitchers these days are obviously stronger. Can't one team try out just throwing two good pitchers every other game all year just once? This could work, right? Or is this some vast conspiracy concocted by the ever-powerful baseball players' union? I think I might be on to something here.

I think the article misses the point just a little bit though. It's not ALWAYS wrong to sign a pitcher to a long-term deal (see: Schmidt and Mussina), but you better have a STRONG track record to support it. Someone's going to give Jeff Weaver four years this offseason. It's going to happen. That team will also not be very happy with the deal two years later. However, whoever signs Zito for five years may end up very happy with the deal because Zito is a guy who has pitched consistently well for over half a decade now.

Also, I'm very happy with the Sheffield trade as a Yankees fan. Sheffield obviously was not going to be very fun in the clubhouse if we made him play first base for a whole season. Now we can add a major league ready top pitching prospect and two other pitchers instead? I'll take it. Plus, Humberto Sanchez is really fat, and I love fat pitchers. Plus, he's from the Bronx. Awesome.

Double OC!

So apparently the OC got shitty ratings in its season opener, so the people at Fox decided to have a "two-night event" on Wednesday and Thursday. Did anyone at Fox just consider not putting the show up against Grey's Anatomy and CSI? The two most popular shows on television? Granted, there isn't probably a great overlap between people who like CSI and people who like the OC, but still. Who pays these guys?

I missed both episodes at the time because I was at the Nets game and getting SLAMMERED watching Rutgers put Jersey football back on the map (that's right I said it.) Luckily I taped (yes taped, VHS still works people) the two episodes and watched them earlier today.

I really cannot get over how naughty Kaitlin Cooper is. My only hope is that Willa Holland doesn't have a Britney-like meteoric fall to accompany her pre-legal meteoric rise. At this point, would anyone fuck Britney other than to say "I fucked Britney Spears"? I mean, would you even enjoy it at the time? She is GROSS. GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I can't believe that Kevin Federline may somehow leave this marriage in better standing. Can you imagine how great Justin Timberlake must feel watching this? Especially with this sex tape coming out. I can't even imagine Britney coming out with another album. There's no way anyone is going to pay to watch her fat ass gyrate on stage anymore. Meanwhile, Timberlake's career is completely taking off, he hasn't been divorced (TWICE!), doesn't have any kids, and is clearly CRUSHING unbelievable ass all day, everyday. Wow. Well played. He cashed out of that game at the PERFECT time. You receive a tip of the cap.

Alright, that got a little off topic. Anyway, a pretty interesting set of episodes. The whole Julie Cooper-Summer simultaneous emotional breakdowns has been amusing. The Summer's a hippie thing is starting to get old though. You can only make so many jokes about this kind of stuff. That's what used to be so great about Summer, the being a hippie thing would've lasted two weeks, just another one of her idiotic fads. You thought it was funny, then they moved on to something else before it got old. Why break from the gameplan McG?

Here are two possible storylines that could happen next season or later that won't happen (probably) but I'd like to see:

1. Volchek breaks out of prison. I think this one is actually possible. How excited would you be to see the OC cut to a shot of Volchek preparing to pull an Andy Dufresne and break out of the slammer? I would lose it. What if they somehow spin off the Volchek character into Prison Break 2? This has to happen. I'm not convinced this storyline is closed out. I know Ryan said "It's over" when he left the hotel room, but that look that Volchek shoots Ryan as he's entering the squad car says, "Don't think the writers won't make us cross paths again." Volchek! Also, I've talked to some girls who've watched the show and they think Volchek is hot. Stick that in your pro-Johnny pipe and smoke it, Kuiken.

2. Marissa comes back from the dead. Ok this one is almost certainly not going to occur. The possibility of Marissa having a Tupac-like return (because Tupac's alive, in case you didn't know) excites me only slightly less more than a Volchek prison break. I don't know the circumstances that would allow for this storyline. Maybe some kind of hospital cover up after Marissa leaves mysteriously in the middle of the night? Hopefully this would sync up with Volchek's escape from jail and the two could renew their ill-fated romance a la Romeo and Juilet. Let's make this happen McG.

Dr. Schiano, Or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Big East Football.

Rutgers beat Louisville last night, in what I am not hesitant to call, an epic battle between two Big East powers. In a game that saw Louisville come out and start stomping an overwhelmed Rutgers team, only to be matched and then toppled by Ray Rice and Schiano's blitzing defense, we saw two of the fine, aggressive coaches in the country.

Look no further than Greg Schiano and Petrino's first play call of the game. Rutgers, a team with little proven offensive talent outside of Heisman candidate Ray Rice, drops back 5 steps and chucks it deep against Louisville's top cornerback; and their true Freshman wideout Britt burns the guy, only to have the ball be thrown a yard too long. Nonetheless, Rutgers still mounts a decent first drive.

What does Louisville do on it's first play. Brohm throws a deep post laser to his slot receiver, and Louisville marches right through a stunned Rutgers D and crowd. Petrino backs up that with a brilliant fake punt on 4th and 5; and going for and converting every reasonable fourth down opportunity the whole first half.

And for Rutgers - instead of backing down and stopping the big play, the big plays seemed to fuel their pass rush even more in the second half - somehow both swarming Brohm on every passing play and Louisville's backs on running plays. ( I do think this game would have been different with a healthy Michael Bush though).

Also, the final two plays of the game, can't be overlooked. With 13 seconds left in the game, Schiano decides to run a normal kickoff despite having one returned for a touchdown earlier in the game. And know what. . it works! Proving for the 800th time that the squib kick is the dumbest move in football. I repeat, the dumbest move in all of football. The Louisville guy even had a good return, but because they ran a normal kickoff it took 10 seconds to get the ball to the 40 yard line. Then, Schiano, brought a linebacker blitz off the edge to continue harassing Brohm. (When more fearful coaches would have rushed three and waited for the bomb.)

What I learn, more and more from watching all football, is that "aggressive" coaches shouldn't be called "aggressive," but simply good. Aggressive coaches don't worry about conventional wisdom or second-guessing - they simply have a vision of how the game is going to be played and they stick to it. Truly a joy to watch those teams go at it last night. This on the heels of the brawling West Virginia - Louisville fight one week ago. The Big East now owns the two most exciting and well-played college football games of the year. Cheers to the Big East.

A few more quick thoughts:
* That being said, I don't belive that a Rutgers team should get in ahead of a 1 - loss Florida team, if Florida is there. Schiano has done a great job - but not scheduling one decent non-conference foe, when you play in a pretty weak conference should have a consequence. Granted, I don't know how much better the Big Ten is than the Big East this year - but OSU and Michigan both went on the road in their non-conference. Still- Rutgers would get to go to a BCS game and test their mettle against Auburn or Cal - a job well done either way. And they do deserve the same recognition as a 1 - loss Cal, USC, or Texas squad.

*Very excited for this Rutgers - West Virginia game. If you thought that WVA - Louisville game was fast, this will pit the fastest offense in the country against a very lively defense. I like the Mountaineers in this one, because home field advantage has been huge in these games so far - but I'm definitely tuning in.

*A real danger game this week for Michigan. Two really awful games by the Wolverines at home against bad opponents - and this is the season for Indiana. We really will have to bring at least our B - game to put this away. If not, it'll be another tense Saturday in Ann Arbor.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Laguna Beach Prom: Gnarly

The always important prom episode was last night on Laguna Beach, and I think the episode solidified the lasting images we will have of each character on the show.

First off, I officially couldn't care less about the whole Rocky and Alex thing anymore. Rocky is not good looking. At all. She might be able to turn the corner in college or somewhere down the line, but for now, I'm not having it. Plus, she is an AWFUL girlfriend. I've never seen anyone need more attention on this show. Quit pouting, demanding emotional attention, and S your boyfriend's D already. Jesus. Not like Alex is worthy of any attention either. That guy is about as exciting as a colonoscopy. Stop showing me this shit. Seriously.

I've officially turned the corner on Lexie. Granted, she is hot as shit, as this week's shots of her in a bikini on her Dad's boat (yeah, tell me that guy isn't a baller) only confirmed. However, she's that girl that after a couple of months at school no guy even makes moves at because she's such an ice queen. She SUCKS. She may be completely asexual for all I know. She has no interest in guys whatsoever. How are you not going to at least suck face with your prom date for chrissakes? You're both single. Ridiculous.

That whole prom episode just confirmed my suspicions all along that Tessa and Derek are the best characters on the show. Derek pulled the Lexie prom move in the hopes that he could finally crack the shell and catch domes from the untouchable hottie (a bold move that deserves our respect). After it's failure, he didn't tuck his tail between his legs, he hosted a rager and slam-danced with the underrated Tessa. Plus, he completely shafted the ugly bitch/only worthy of a drunk as shit makeout session Breanna (She is awful, she thinks she is SO HOT. Did you see her talking to her friends about Derek? They said to her "You always hook up with guys Breanna" and she responds, "Yeahhhh." She is in for a RUDE awakening if she goes to college. Her sister's popularity won't be able to carry her budget face anymore.)

Once again Derek, you receive a tip of the cap.

Tessa on the other hand, has become my favorite chick. Her body is pretty solid. I hadn't noticed as much until this week, but she looked kinda slammin' in that ballet outfit or whatever the fuck she was wearing. She has some under the radar bitties, too. Plus, she's clearly intimidated by dudes, but really wants to get banged out, so dudes like Derek who make low effort moves and just grab her or tell her to come over can score immediately. Awesome. I would not mind partying with that girl.

A few other points: How trashy are these proms? Really guys? You can't do normal formal wear just this once? You have to sport the unbuttoned white dress shirt? Come on. Plus, some of these girls wear absolutely WHORISH dresses. I don't think any girl at my prom would be caught dead wearing the kind of skirt length that Kyndra was sporting. I don't know, maybe I just don't get California. Actually, remove any doubt there. I definitely don't get California.

Also, who the hell is this new Jade chick that Tessa and Rocky know?! She has bombs. Jesus. I bet Derek and Cameron have both tapped that.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

"We Got the Better Belding."

So in titillating and horrifying news, I found out this morning that Saved By the Bell is shown on TBS from 5AM to 7AM, not 6 - 7, like I originally thought, which means anytime my body inexplicably wakes itself up at 5 (see: today), I will no longer make an effort to grab more time to sleep and instead take in more episodes of Saved by the Bell.

A few quick observations: First of all, there is nothing more frightening and thrilling than when a joke from Saved by the Bell actually makes you laugh. For our generation (which by the way is the LAST generation to know what the hell Saved by the Bell is... 21 years old is just about the cutoff), most of the laughs are usually generated by the unintentional comedy of the show - it's corniness and AC Slater's fashion (Quick highlight from an episode, today. AC Slater wears his first normal pair of pants in the series - single-pleated khakis, actually pants that a normal man might wear. HOWEVER, he tops off this with a bright magenta tight tank top firmly tucked in. What a move!). But, I found myself, over the past couple days chuckling at intentional comedy in the show.

Three instances:
Jesse Spano is chewing out the rich nerd (Nerdstrom, who is 5'3") about how he treats his nerd girlfriend Violet (played by Tori Spelling). Nerdstrom then tells Spano, "I know what you need." And gives Jesse a full dip and plants a kiss on her. Jesse comes back to the gang, visibly shaken and Lisa says, "You tell him, girl." Full chuckle from me this morning, mainly due to the actually comedic delivery from Lark Voorhies.

Kelly, Jesse, and Lisa are up for a Teen Fashion Magazine award which wins a free trip to Paris. All three agree not to be mad at who ever is chosen. Kelly Kapowski (of course) is chosen and Lisa Turtle immediately lets out a hearty "With those hips!?!" It actually had a semblance of comedic timing. And yes, it registered 3 laughs on my laugh-o-meter.

After meeting the two Beldings, (when Belding's hot-shot younger brother Rod Belding comes into town) Screech says, "Two Beldings in one building and one is balding!" Wow. Good times.

I will be examining this further to determine A) how much of a loser I am, and B) if Lark Voorhies was the Kevin Garnett of Saved by the Bell - the most talented, versatile player on the court, but just couldn't be the focus of the show. Or, if she was just under-utilized. Lark just brings it every show, outperforms everyone, has to deliver every painfully excruciating rip on Screech, and still catches you by surprise how hot she is. Every show Lark does this - she never missed a season to go film Son in Law, stepped up when Kelly and Jesse left to fill a bigger void, and even came back for the Las Vegas Wedding unchanged when Kelly had put on weight and got a boob job, and Jesse had her hair dyed bleach blonde for Showgirls. We really need to have a Lark Voorhies day to commemorate her. I really think she could have carried a spinoff. I just do. A tear.

The Best Issue of Playboy Ever!!!
Also, as I commented before, yesterday was the episode where Screech and Zack take pictures of the girls swim team and put the pictures in a calendar to drum up interest in the school store that Zack revamped. (Yes, he stole the control of the school store from nerds who were running it.) The girls are initially mad, but are then placated when a photographer from Teen Fashion shows up to put them in a picture spread. This spread lead to one singular and unmistakable thought: Lark Voorhies, Tiffani Theissen, and Elizabeth Berkeley need to be in a Playboy. . . now!!

This is an extremely pressing issue. I mean, after Jesse Spano turned into a total movie skank showing off her snapper in two movies right away (everyone forgets that she gets completely naked in Any Given Sunday aw well), I think we all took it for granted that Kelly and Lisa may follow suit - especially after Kelly went on to play a turbo-evil-skank in Beverly Hills, and a charming slut in Pauly Shore's Son in Law. But, it hasn't happened like that. And it needs to. Not for me so much - just to have the best-selling Playboy of all time.

Why does this have to happen now?

1) Tiffani Amber-Theissen is 32 years old, Lark Voorhies is 32 years old; Elizabeth Berkely is 34 years old. They are all about 5 years from no longer being attractive. How does Playboy not jump on the ball and do the Girls of Bayside magazine photo shoot? I mean, seriously.
2) The people who watched the show are all about 20 - 35 years old right now. If Hef doesn't get this done soon, no one will care. No one will even be able to recognize Kelly Kapowski -- can you imagine living in a world like that.
3) Do you know anybody our age (20 - 30) who wouldn't buy this issue. I mean, it transcends normal smut purchasing. I don't even think I would be embarrassed by this - it would just be a necessary addition to my reading. I mean, the interview! Don't we want to know some of the behind-the-scenes gossip. Did Kelly and Morris ever date off the screen? Did any of them give Screech a taste? Did any of them have a coke addiction? When did AC Slater do ballet? Jealousy? I mean, these are all things that will never be revealed. The whole cast is always so concerned about being typecasted they NEVER talk about what it was like to be on Saved by the Bell. Do any of them still talk to one another?? And the naked on top of that?
4) All their careers are struggling. This could thrust them back into the national spotlight..

All right. Just got a big project at work. Can we start a petition?

- Anthony

Monday, November 06, 2006

What If Sports: Our New Addiction

Some of you may have seen this mentioned in Bill Simmons' articles previously, but if you haven't (or even if you have and didn't bother to check it out) I highly recomend going to the website Basically it's a website that allows you to draft a team of players from any team on any year and play them against other teams that are similarly drafted in a 162 game simulation. The system uses a salary cap, and you can manage your players' pitch counts, likelihood for pinch running, etc. Anthony and I have done this already this year with limited success (our team is 54-60, well out of playoff contention at this point), although 1990 Ricky Henderson is 2nd in MVP balloting currently, which is nice.

Anyway, we caved before the first season ran out and just drafted another team. Not like any of you actually care, but here it is. (Sidenote: Our team name is "String Bream." Sadly, our idea of "Rollie Fingers Homer Bush" had too many letters to make it.)

LF - Vince Coleman ('85) - .267 BA, .320 OBP, .335 Slg, 110 SBs
SS - Ozzie Smith ('92) - .295 BA, .367 OBP, .342 Slg, 43 SBs
2B - Roberto Alomar ('99) - .323 BA, 24 HRs, .422 OBP, .533 Slg, 37 SBs
CF - Bernie Williams ('97) - .328 BA, 21 HRs, .408 OBP, .544 Slg
1B - Sid Bream ('86) - .268 BA, 16 HRs, .341 OBP, .450 Slg
3B - Eddie Yost ('56) - .231 BA, .412 OBP, .336 Slg
RF - Otis Nixon ('97) - .266 BA, .337 OBP, .318 Slg, 59 SBs
C - Mike Matheny ('05) - . 242 BA, 13 HRs , .295 OBP, .406 Slg

Key Bench Player: Russell Branyan ('06) - .228 BA, 18 HRs, .327 OBP, .498 Slg

Bob Gibson ('68)
- 304.2 IP, 1.12 ERA, .184 Opp BA, .85 WHIP
Pete Schneider ('17) - 351 IP, 2.10 ERA, .255 Opp BA, 1.28 WHIP
Phil Niekro ('83) - 201.2 IP, 3.97 ERA, .276 Opp BA, 1.57 WHIP
Rookie to be named later called up from our computer provided AAA team

Key Bullpen Pitchers:
Setup guys: Rollie Fingers ('81)
- 116 IP, 1.04 ERA, .198 Opp BA, .87 WHIP
Tom Knowlson ('15) - 107.1 IP, 3.50 ERA, .273 Opp BA, 1.58 WHIP
Closer: Mariano Rivera ('96) - 107.2 IP, 2.09 ERA, .189 Opp BA, .99 WHIP

Our ballpark that we play in is Petco Park, and it's pretty clear why if you look at our team. Not a whole lot of mashers in the lineup. Instead, we went with speed, on-base percentage, and fielding as prerogative for position players. Our pitching staff is pretty loaded, and most of our pitchers have very low HR/9 IP numbers. We're banking on our super fast outfield of Vince Coleman, Otis Nixon, and Bernie Williams shagging down a ton of flyballs in Petco's enormous outfield.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


I don't want to ruin the movie in any way for people who haven't seen it so I'll make my review extremely general. First, this movie is as good as billed. I don't think it exceeded my expectations in any way, but that's because the expectations I had for this movie were so high. Absolutely hilarious movie. It is by far the most over the top movie I've ever seen and actually enjoyed. I'd be surprised if Sacha Baron Cohen wasn't physically assaulted numerous times while filming this movie. He never breaks character in some absolutely awkward and threatening situations. Also, there is some full on male nudity, and believe it or not, it provides for the funniest scene in the movie hands down. I nearly cried three times during the movie. I plan on seeing it again in theatres so I can get a better gauge on rewatchability.

I must also say that I think I enjoyed the promotional campaign that Borat went on almost as much as the movie. His stops on Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan (posted below) were absolutely hilarious. Apparently Cohen is going to be doing another movie soon, this time as the character Bruno, the gay fashionista. I'm in.

Friday, November 03, 2006

California, Here We Come

It's early November, and we all know what that means. No, not the beginning of the of NBA season. I'm obviously referring to a new season of Fox's hit show, The OC. The first episode of season four was last night in what promises to a be a truly groundbreaking season on the show. There are a lot of changes and new faces this year following the death of Marisa and the graduation from high school that marked the end of season three. Here's a character-by-character breakdown of what happened last night, and what might happen this season.

Ryan: Ryan, or "Poor Kid" as we often call him, is really the moral compass of the show. I've been claiming all along that the writers of the OC are grooming Ryan to become the next Sandy Cohen. Basically they're the same character. Both are old-fashioned tough guys who don't mind breaking the rules to do what they think is right. Ryan, predictably has flown off the reservation following the death of Marisa, and completely cut ties with everyone in Newport, instead electing to follow the career path of his idol, Ken from Street Fighter. That's right, Poor Kid decided to do underground cage fighting instead of going to UC-Berkeley. That makes sense.
My Ryan predictions for this year: 1) He doesn't kill Volcheck like everyone thinks he will, but instead gets him arrested 2) He ends up going to college locally so he can stay with the Cohens 3) He meets some hottie at college, bangs her, then dumps her because she reminds him too much of Marisa, and 4) Gets into trouble at college for being at a party involving drugs or gets wasted, ends up in jail, and Sandy has to bail him out.

Seth/Summer: Seth, aka "Rich Kid", isn't quite as intriguing of a character as Ryan. Apparently Seth, the smart kid from the elite private school in the rich town of Newport, didn't get into any college and has now decided to start work at a comic book store in town. That makes sense. Summer, meanwhile, is out at Brown now and apparently has joined up with the hippie protestors. I enjoy this touch from the OC. The entire time it remains very clear that Summer is still a bimbo and is really only doing what other people tell her to do.
I'm not sure what to expect out of Seth/Summer this year but here goes: 1) Seth remains dejected for much of the season due to his separation from Summer, including turning down potential leads on ass 2) Summer eventually hooks up with crazy didgeridoo/stoner guy from Brown and tells Seth (do you ever notice how on these shows, when somebody cheats on their boyfriend or girlfriend, even if it's only a friggin' makeout, they spill their guts within like three days? Does this ever happen? I think not.) 3) Seth goes on a sex binge following the revelation that Summer has "moved on" 4) Summer quickly ends any kind of romantic liason with didgeridoo guy, and drops out of college. 5) Rachel Billson finally realizes how hot she is and dumps Adam Brody (whoops, that's not a prediction about the OC)

Kaitlin Cooper - Honestly, I've never been more excited for the OC. Kaitlin Cooper is a character who, as Jay Bilas would say, has great upside potential. First, she's smoking hot. Now I know that's kind of creepy given the fact that Willa Holland, the actress that plays Kaitlin Cooper is only 15. However, I think it's acceptable since both myself and every guy I know who saw her in her first episode immediately commented on how hot she was before knowing her true age. I'm saying that makes it OK. I'm not sure if that defense would hold up in court, but, whatever.
I enjoy how Kaitlin, true to her form as uber-conniving, heartless, hottie bitch, evidences no signs of emotional wear and tear following the recent death of her sister. Instead, Kaitlin has already exploited her Mom's psychological instability by blackmailing Dr. Roberts into getting her an expensive pair of shoes. God, you are so hot and bitchy Kaitlin.
My predictions for Kaitlin this year (I'm putting all chips on black here): 1) Hooks up with Volcheck 2) Hooks up with a teacher and/or a parent 3) Tries to hook up with Ryan, fails 4) Gets arrested for drugs, threatened to get kicked out of school 5) Goes on a date with me.

Alright, so there you have it folks. My big predictions for this year. I left out some other important characters, but I think this pretty much sums up the important points. I don't see much drama coming from the Sandy and Kirsten department this year after last year's marital problems and Kirsten's drinking. If they bring up Kirsten's drinking as a problem again this year, it's overkill. Really. Stop it. I'm not sure what happens with Taylor Townsend this year, although she could be involved with Seth, particularly following any revelation that Summer smoked that cheeba monkey at Brown's pole.

Finally, I'm not sure if anybody caught it, but Steve-O is going to guest star in next week's episode. Words can't really describe how fucking excited I am for this. Steve-O? On the OC? What? How many painkillers were the executives at Fox taking when they OK'd this decision? I can't even imagine what Steve-O did to that set on the day or two he was there. It probably looked something like this, actually ***caution: contains quick glimpse of Steve O's dong, not suitable for work environment***:

Thursday, November 02, 2006

What Happens in Cabo, Stays in Cabo

What can I say about truly a landmark episode of Laguna Beach last night? Between the Kyndra-Tyler situation, the anticipation of the Lexie-Kelan hookup, and Derek's escapades, we witnessed one of the most action-packed episodes in LB history.

First, I want to point something out. I think Derek is slowly and silently making a push to become the man in Laguna Beach. The show inevitably focuses on Cameron's sexual escapades because of the love triangle between him, Kyndra, and Tyler, but I think Derek is leading the league in crushing ass. First, he hooks up with the underrated Tessa. Then, this week, he hooks up with Breanna. I'll grant you that Breanna's face looks like a catcher's mitt, but this is all part of a larger trend. Derek is stockpiling ass. The preview for next week shows him taking Lexie to the prom. What?! Is he really about to pull the rug out from under Kelan and bang out hot, hot Lexie? Kudos to you, Derek. You receive a tip of the cap.

This whole Kelan-Lexie situation just does not make any sense to me. It's pretty clear that all Kelan needed to do that whole trip was make a move and he would've bagged that hot piece of high school ass. How does this not happen? How do you spend a week on vacation in Cabo San Lucas, drinking, and staring at Lexie in a bikini and never make a move? How is that possible? Even the biggest pussy in the world has to make a move in that situation, right? This is Maurice Clarett-esque in terms of wasted oppurtunities.

Finally, Tyler is worthless. Does he have a job? Does he go to college? Who the fuck crashes a group of high schoolers' Spring Break to spy on/hook up with his ex-girlfriend, all while his parents are with him? That being said, Kyndra is pretty stupid to have fallen for the drunken "love" card that Tyler played. I will give Tyler credit for pulling out the "break glass in case of emergency" love play in order to make sure that Kyndra would be fucking him and not Cameron on the first night of Spring Break. If it already weren't established how huge of a douche you were, that might receive a tip of the cap.

Anthony's analysis: Since college I have not put MTV on once. I don't know what any of this means. I was drinking at a bar tonight watching the wildly entertaining West Virginia - Louisville game. Totally turned me around on the Big East. Good times.

College Football Intensity Index: Week 9

1) Ohio State (39)
1) Michigan (39)
3) Tennessee (34)
4) Florida (32)
5) Auburn (31)
6) Texas (28)
6) Cal (28)
8) USC (26)
9) Louisville (25)
10) Arkansas (23)
11) Notre Dame (16)
12) West Virginia (15)
12) Oklahoma (15)
12) LSU (15)
15) Boston College (14)
16) Wisconsin (12)
17) Rutgers (11)
18) Clemson (06)
19) Texas A & M (03)
20) Boise State (02)

Intensity Index: The getting real intense with a breakdown.

TIER A: Off the Reservation

1) Ohio State
1) Michigan
Analysis: These two hard scrabble teams have yet to be challenged all year and both have killed two top ten teams on the road. I could see Ohio State being ranked higher because they've been demolishing foes lately while Michigan has just been merely handling them. Tough to ignore the best defense in the country, though.


3) Tennessee
4) Florida
5) Auburn
Analysis: All three of these teams have huge wins this year, and have yet be crushed by an opponent in their one loss. Tennessee's drubbing of a sprightly Cal team (THE INDEX LOVES BIG NON-CONFERENCE WINS) and just barely losing to Florida puts them on top. It's awful tough to separate Florida and Auburn. But Auburn's loss was a beat down and it came at home. Florida, on the other hand, came up just short on the road in Auburn. These are three great teams playing in a hellacious conference. We'll see what Tennessee is really made of when they play LSU at home next week.

TIER C: Viable Contenders

6) Texas
6) Cal
8) USC
9) Louisville
10) Arkansas
Analysis: All of these teams are having fine seasons, but each one has some warts. Texas got crushed by OSU at home and barely escaped with a couple of wins against Nebraska and Texas Tech. Cal has been playing great ball lately, but got drubbed by Tennessee at the start of the season. USC has looked shoddy in a number of games and just got nipped by a mediocre Oregon State team. They did destroy Arkansas and Nebraska though, two big NONCONFERENCE wins. Louisville has a great D, and they would be higher if they didn't almost give one away on the road against Cincinnati. And Arkansas killed Auburn but has beaten zero quality opponents otherwise. And they did get crushed by USC.

TIER D: I shoulda been a contender

11) Notre Dame
12) West Virginia
12) Oklahoma
12) LSU
15) Boston College
16) Wisconsin
17) Rutgers
Analysis: The Irish sure started off strong with wins over Georgia Tech and Penn State (two teams just outside of the index). But their competition since then has been laughable. They should have lost to UCLA (a bad team) and Michigan State (one of the country's worst). All their other wins have been jokes. West Virginia has been dominating crappy teams; somewhat impressive that they demolished Maryland, though. Oklahoma should only have one loss, and that loss they got handled by Texas - just had a decent win at Missouri - could be for real. LSU has NO good wins. But, they did play two great SEC teams pretty tight in their loses. Boston College has beat Clemson, Florida State, and on the road against Virginia Tech. Not a bad trio of wins - but shouldn't have let NC State hang around to beat them. Wisconsin hasn't beat a good team and struggled last week against a shit Illinois team. Rutgers is basically the same story as West Virginia, but they didn't attempt to play ANY decent out of conference team, and they haven't been as dominant as Louisville or West Virginia agains the mediocre opposition.

TIER E: A Little Feisty
19) Texas A & M
20) Boise State
Analysis: Clemson looked awful frisky pouncing on Georgia Tech two weeks ago. And, honestly, losing to Boston College and Virginia Tech on the road are forgivable sins. Texas A & M has been playing good ball lately. And, Boise State has done nothing to really deserve being intense, except for beat the holy hell out of Oregon State, who turned around and beat USC. So, finally, they have something that comes close to approaching a quality win, and they are undefeated.

Bars, Beers, and Baseball:

I am not yet in a rational enough to speak about the Cardinals winning the World Series.

Weaver spinning through the Mets and Tigers lineups was damned near inspiring to watch. Weaver hadn't thrown that well since his Tigers days.

A lot has been made of the 83 win Cards team during the regular season. Worst World Series team ever bullshit. First of all, it turns out when you actually win the World Series, you couldn't give two shits if they were the best World Series team of all time or the worst. The goal's just to win the fuckin' thing.

Also, here's what killed the team during the regular season: 1) Starting Mark Mulder, 2) starting Jason Marquis, 3) Injuries to Rolen, Edmonds, and Eckstein. 4) Isringhausen and Looper as our top two bullpen guys.
Luckily, Marquis was left off the postseason roster, Reyes was allowed to pitch, and Rolen, Edmonds, and Eckstein got healthy. It's no murderers row to be sure, but the Cardinals when healthy have:
1) The best player in baseball: Albert Pujols
2) The best third baseman in baseball: Scott Rolen
3) The best pitcher not named Santana or Halladay: Chris Carpenter
4) The best defensive catcher in baseball: Yadier Molina
5) A top 5 Centerfielder: Jim Edmonds.
6) A young closer who ranks right up there with K-Rod and Jenks.

Final point. The MVP of the World Series was Yadier Molina. He was the best player on the Cards throughout the playoffs offensively and defensively and handling the staff.

There will be a much longer post about this later.

Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale is in my fridge right now. It's not a bad beer, but certainly fits into the Blue Moon style of delicate flavors and maybe a little too "drinkable" for my liking. Sometimes I just don't get quite enough complexity of flavor in any of the Blue Moon products. The pumpkin flavor isn't overwhelming like some other pumpkin ales, and they go easy on the cinnamon and nutmeg flavors that can really overpower a lot of pumpkin beers. While it is maybe not the most interesting beer in the world, there is nothing particularly wrong with this one. Subtle pumpkin and easy to drink - a real treat at the end of a day.


Checked out a spot on Clark Street in Chicago last night called "The Ivy." I had always been hesitant to go in it because there is a god-awful bar called "The Red Ivy," right around there. (Honestly, do not go in the Red Ivy. It's like drinking beer in a damn Olive Garden only the High Lifes are $5. You just can't have a worse time anywhere.) And also, I had always thought "The Ivy" sounded like a gay bar. But now that I think about it, the ivy is referencing Wrigley Field's ivy. But why the fuck is a bar called "The Red Ivy"? That sounds like a terribly gay bar. But, turns out neither are gay bars, and while the Red Ivy sucks; The Ivy is awesome. A good dive bar type of place with a juke box and plenty of plasma screen TVs. I was there last night, which happens to be Euchre wednesdays and .25 cent wing night. Pitchers of Coors Light were only 7 bucks, too. Good times were had by all. Extra points for having the brand new Golden Tee 2007 which is amazing.

Quick Thoughts from the Nets Opener

1. I love Marcus Williams. He didn't shoot that well from the field, but he got some unlucky breaks last night. His court vision is amazing though, and I was really surprised to see how easily he could get to the basket. Plus, he netted 8 boards. The Nets seem set on using him at least 20 minutes a game, even if he's on the floor with Kidd at the same time. I'm obviously very excited about this. I've now started calling Marcus Williams, "The Truth." That now makes two local athletes who I and a select few (actually only my buddy Desimone) refer to as "The Truth." The other, of course, is average strong safety Gibril Wilson. Also, did I mention that "The Truth" is from Compton, and that the laptops he stole while at UConn were from the women's basketball team's dorms? Yeah, he's awesome.

Vince Carter and Nenad Krstic need to see the ball more often. Too many times in our half court offense we end up with Jason Collins having the ball in the post (inevitably stripped) or one of our Nomars off the bench feebly attempting to penetrate. Nenad and Vince are going to create and make more open shots in the half court set than anybody. Vince, because of his athleticism, and Nenad because of his size. Vince Carter looked great last night. Granted, he was being guarded by Anthony Parker (yeah, I don't know who he is either, he went to Bradley, and is somehow starting for the Raptors. Also, have you seen the Raptors team this year? Who put these guys together? It's like someone got Chad Ford wasted and made him do a draft option in NBA Live. There are so many gross Euros on this team and unknown players it's disgusting. Garbajosa? Looked awful. That's just not a reference to his play either, he needs a shave, he looks like he should be outside a hookah bar on South U. in Ann Arbor. See: picture. ANDREA Bargnani? This of course is in addition to amazing top 15 picks Rafael Araujo and Kris Humphries. You can tell that Chris Bosh is frustrated, and he looked awful last night. No defenders respect anybody on that team other than TJ Ford and Bosh. )

Well, that was a long tangent.

3. The Nets bench still worries me. Marcus Williams is obviously a huge upgrade, but with Cliff Robinson and Eddie House injured right now, I'm nervous. Mikki Moore is going to be serviceable, and Boki Nachbar looks like he'll provide some shooting and defense, but I don't know how much you can rely on these guys. Antoine Wright looked terrible.

Also, apparently Bostjan Nachbar goes by the nickname "Boki" which I learned at the game last night, although this could just be the announcer's doing because after Boki went on a shooting tear, the announcer started calling him "Boki Boki." I was confused. Not nearly as confused as when the screens displayed a graphic featuring the Serbian flag and a map of Serbia with the words "Serbian Sensation" after Nenad Krstic was called for a foul, but pretty confused.

4. Non-basketball thoughts: The Nets dancers are hot. I haven't gone to an NBA game in awhile, but that shit is like softcore porn. Nice. I like. Wa-wa-wee-wa.

Also, the Nets' mascot is "Sly Fox." Apparently the Nets just made the decision to say, "Ah fuck it, let's have a fox for a mascot" because I don't understand any connection that this character may have to the team.

TJ Kidd was at the game throwing out shirts during the giveaway. He has a really strong arm for a seven-year old, I think the Yankees should look into that. Also, Joumana Kidd was there and she is gorgeous, I can't even imagine the time Jason had plowing her after pouring in a triple double yesterday. I bet he hits that all day. Get it? It has two meanings. You know, spousal abuse. Thanks, Jason.