THIS IS HOW A HEART BREAKS!
2006-2007 NBA PREVIEW FEVER! CATCH IT!

Chubbs' Predictions:

Eastern Conference:
Atlantic: New Jersey Nets
Central: Detroit Pistons
Southeast: Miami Heat
Other playoff teams: Cleveland Cavaliers, Chicago Bulls, Washington Wizards, Indiana Pacers, Orlando Magic

Underrated: Josh Smith (Atlanta Hawks), Mo Williams (Bucks), Marcus Williams (Nets), The Bobcats

Overrated: Ben Wallace (Bulls), Larry Hughes (Cavs), Marvin Williams (Hawks), The Raptors

Conference Finals: Miami Heat over New Jersey Nets

Western Conference:
Northwest: Utah Jazz
Pacific: Phoenix Suns
Southwest: Dallas Mavericks
Other Playoff teams: San Antonio Spurs, LA Clippers, New Orleans Hornets, LA Lakers, Houston Rockets

Underrated: Leandro Barbosa (Suns), Shaun Livingston (Clippers), Rudy Gay (Grizzlies), The Hornets, The Rockets

Overrated: Tim Duncan (Spurs), Erick Dampier (Mavs), Patrick O'Bryant (Warriors), The Nuggets

Conference Championship: Phoenix Suns over Dallas Mavericks

NBA Finals: Phoenix Suns over Miami Heat
MVP: Lebron James
Scoring Title: Kobe Bryant
Rookie of the Year: Brandon Roy
6th Man Award: Bonzi Wells
Defensive Player of the Year: Gerald Wallace

Anthony's Predictions:

Playoffs in the East:

1) Chicago Bulls

2) Detroit Pistons

3) Cleveland Cavaliers

4) Miami Heat

5) New Jersey Nets

6) Milwaukee

7) Washington

8) Orlando

9) Boston

10) Philadelphia

Analysis: I think every team in the top 4 got better this offseason except for Miami. Chicago added Big Ben and Tyrus Thomas to sure up their interior defense. They have Deng back healthy, and the best depth in the league. With Skiles coaching they won't take a night off. The Pistons will have a bounce back year and they won't miss Big Ben AT ALL. McDyess is a better player for them on that team. Chauncey being an MVP candidate last year was a joke. But look to them to make a statement. The Heat will absolutely coast through the first half of the season. And Lebron is still Lebron. Cavs will finish 3rd. 6 - 10 is really a toss-up. The Sixers needed to package Iverson and get rid of him, because they can no longer defend anyone with Webber, Korver, and Iverson starting. Especially Webber.

Milwaukee is the surprise pick here. Let's see, they upgraded at point guard, power forward, and center in the offseason, and their 2 and 3 are Michael Redd and Bobby Simmons. They should win 45 games and shock a lot of people - especially if Villanueva plays any defense this year.

Playoffs in the West:

1) San Antonio

2) Phoenix

3) Houston

4) Dallas

5) Clippers

6) Memphis

7) Lakers

8) Minnesota

Analysis: I know a lot less about the Western Conference than the Eastern. So let me talk about players. If Duncan's healthy this year, he'll be the best player in the league again. If T-Mac and Yao are healthy, they'll be one of the best teams in the NBA. I don't think Amare is going to be healthy all year, which will hurt the Suns. Kobe is good enough for the playoffs, especially if he lets Odom shoot this year. And KG HAS to get his team into the playoffs this year, or he's officially off the elite player board. The Clippers are entirely reliant on Livingston becoming a very good player this year; but I'm not as sure as others are. Point guards who can't shoot, don't really last that long.

One more thought: "The best player in the NBA" debate isn't such a worthwhile discussion. But, here's all I can add about Dwyane and Lebron and Kobe. Lamar Odom, Damon Jones, Rafer Alston, Udonis Haslem, James Posey, Jason Williams, Brian Grant, all had career years playing with Wade. All of them have made their money and had their best statistical season with Dwyane. It's what Jordan did with Steve Kerr, Jud Buecheler, Luc Longley, and a host of other stooges who got multi-year deals just by being on the court with him. The greatest players make tons of money for other players - and that's what Dwyane does. Now, if Larry Hughes and Lamar Odom become All-Stars this year, Kobe and Lebron have done their job. . . if not. . . what have they done?

Conference Finals:

Heat beat Cavaliers in 7 games.

The best regular season game last year becomes the series that comes to define the games two greatest players of our generation. Seeing these guys go head to head for 7 games is more of a hope than a prediction. I give the edge to the Heat just because I think in crunch time, Wade and Posey can get stops on Lebron more often than Hughes and Lebron can get stops on Wade. Sadly, both of these teams best lineups would be without their anchors Big Z and Shaq.

Spurs beat Rockets in 5 games.

The real tough test for the Spurs will be against the Mavs. But a healthy Duncan won't let them off the hook this year. Van Gundy figures out a way to slow down the Suns attack, because Amare never gets back to full strength this year. The Spurs have been their too many times, and Duncan is like Yao-plus underneath.

Spurs over Heat in 7.

Wade again asserts himself as the world's best player, but Shaq doesn't have enough in the tank to deal with Duncan. Wade doesn't get the defensive break he had with Jason Terry having to check Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili all series. The Spurs eventually wear down the Heat to collect their final championship of Tim Duncan's prime.

Awards:

MVP: 1)Lebron James, 2) Tim Duncan, 3) Kobe Bryant 4) Elton Brand, 5) Dirk Nowitzki

A real tough one here. I don't think Wade will be in contention because the Heat will coast, and they are going to try to limit Wade's minutes from his grueling championship run and offseason. Duncan bounces back, Brand will be underappreciated, and Kobe will still be too hated. The Cavs have Hughes back, Varejao gets more minutes, so they should have enough rebounding to stay in games this year. LeBron wins the award with a Jordanesque 35, 8, and 8 on the season.

ROY: Adam Morrison

And that is Anthony Robertson's NBA preview.

Wait, Jenn Sterger is going as a slutty ref for Halloween? No shit?

Forde Yard Dash:


For anyone interested in continuing the debate about 1-loss teams and where their ranking should be, I suggest Pat Forde's article. It's about the best explanation of why one loss teams should be ranked where that I have seen.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=2636798

Ridin' Low in My Chair, She Won't Know That I'm There

The Bayside High Saved by the Bell Graduation episode was on a couple mornings ago. And, rare for most television shows, this season/series finale is one of the best episodes of the Saved by the Bell catalogue. Zack is a credit short of graduation, so the gang combines for a production of a fake ballet called Swan Pond to get Zack that one more credit. (In the performance AC Slater gives his 3rd or 4th legitimate ballet performance of the series. Does Lopez ask for these scenes?)

In the other crucial story line, Screech nudges Jesse for Valedictorian by a tenth of a point. Screech, then, surrenders the title because of how much he knew it would hurt Jesse not to have it. THEN, Lisa gives Screech a kiss on the cheek the night before graduation. Jesse then starts making fun of Lisa saying how she can't believe Lisa kissed "such a dorky guy." Lisa then lets it slip about what Screech did for her, and I think gives the best acting performance in the history of the Saved by the Bell, saying "The world might be a lot better if there were more little dorky guys." Just a heartless, steely-eyed delivery from the teriffic Lark Voorhies, that drops Jesse Spano in her tracks. Powerful stuff.

So, then, Jesse lets Screech deliver the Valedictorian speech. Screech, then, graciously accepts and turns the mic over to Zack because "you're better with words than I am."

Touching. Touching.

Yet, there is a pretty major flaw in one of the earlier "final season" episodes, which make this final one a bit bothersome. That is, the episode where Zack and Lisa date.

This is a Tori episode, so Kapowski was out of the picture (along with Spano which was NEVER. . . EVER explained. And, gyad, what kind of replacement was Tory. Even for Saved by the Bell her acting was horribly painful to watch. And she wasn't good looking.) Zack is helping Lisa get a fashion show ready for some New York Art Institute. This leads to a kiss, because, if you know Zack Morris, anytime he is alone with a girl, he kisses her. All the time. It's what he does. He had to have the highest batting average of any man in the world. So, he bags the lucious Lisa Turtle, which eventually leads to the The Confrontation.

Screech confronts Zack in the hall, and knocks Zack's books out of his hand and EVEN tears Zack's silk button down shirt. But, Zack refuses to fight. Honestly, never have two people tried harder to act dramatically than Dustin Diamond and Mark Paul-Gosselar than in this scene. It's television magic. Honestly, for my money, both of them pull it off. This was maybe the most hard-hitting scene in the history of Saved by the Bell. Even much more so, than when AC Slater and Zack got into a real schoolyard brawl, over Zack and AC going after the same girl.

However, Screech, cause he's fucking Screech, eventually backs down when Lisa, who still has him by the balls, comes over and finishes the heart extraction, and tells him she has feelings for Zack. Shortly, there after, they are hugging and Screech refers to them as "his best gal" and "his best pal." It's really sickening. Of all the things Zack does which are essentially selfish (like taking the class presidency from Jesse Spano), he almost always ends the show by rectifying the situation and realizing he was wrong. Hell, he even told AC, he would stop dating his hot little sister for him.

However, this greatly influenced the way I thought about Zack Morris. Sure, he used Screech a lot, but I always figured he had a special place for Screech in his heart. And if that was the case, Lisa should have ABSOLUTELY been off limits. This was no simple high school crush that Screech had. Screech Powers loved this girl ever since their Junior High days in Indiana. (Yeah, the Miss Bliss shows, took place at an Indiana Junior High - also never explained. There's nothing Peter Engel loved more than a healthy dose of loose ends.) Screech went through hell, he taped ears onto worms, risked getting beat up by a bully, wears a heart outfit on Halloween. Jesus, Screech turned down Kelly "f-ing" Kapowski in an earlier episode for shit's sake (more on this in a later blog). Kelly Kapowski!!! He only wanted Lisa Turtle. For Zack, she is the one girl, that should have been off-limits.

Also, it would have been very different if Zack was struggling with the ladies. Zack made out with every single hot girl at that school, and everyone he ever met on any of their vacations. And, all he had to do, was not kiss Lisa. Or, at least even AFTER scoring the make out with Turtle, he could have backed off and apologized. And promised Screech it would never happen again. But he didn't, he said he had feelings for her and continued daing her, for ONE episode. This was obviously a purely physical attraction between Zack and Lisa; a quick one-show story line. And he was willing to throw away his whole friendship with Screech for this. That show forever changed the way I felt about Zack Morris. He did do some genuinely nice things for Screech in the series, this one was nearly unforgivable. I always thought Zack owed Screech big time from that point forward.

And, finally, think of all the turmoil Zack has caused with his relationships. You would think a guy with that sort of illuminating sexual aura and prowess would maybe avoid some of the stickier situations. But, no, he got into extremely complicated SERIOUS heartrending relationships with everyone that include:

Slater's little sister
The single mom in Hawaii
Leon Kerosi's (his boss's) daughter (the smokin Stacy Kerosi)
Jesse Spano (that was just briefly, but ruined the Kapowski/Slater relationship for a bit)
The female wrestler who emasculated him.
Lisa Turtle
The exchange student, Slater was hitting on
The girl in a wheelchair, who called his dating hotline
And once he got to The College Years, at Cal, on a campus full of hot girls, he goes on a full-court press for his roommate, Leslie.
Tori (that awful new girl, who sucked, and was a pain-in-the-ass biker chick)
The hot school nurse (who he ruined his 'going steady' relationship with Kapowski for)
The girl from UCLA while he was still in high school, which involved him making FAKE ID's THAT SAID THEY WERE 18 YEARS OLD, SO THEY COULD GET INTO A UCLA NIGHTCLUB CALLED "THE ATTIC".

And, ya know, I'm sure there are more. The only two normal relationships he had were with Kelly Kapowski who was always the girl for him, and who only got hotter and hotter as the series went on, and those few episodes where he was on again, off again dating Pete Sampras' old girlfriend; who played a hot, stereotypical bimbo.

[Chubbs' editor's note: I claim that Zack's relationship with Stacy Kerosi (aka the Queen of Queens)was a legitimate, serious relationship. Remember the drama caused by the return of Stacy's ex-boyfriend from college? How could we so quickly forget the importance that surrounds an ex-boyfriend's gift of a pledge pin? I know I didn't. Also, the ATV race. Remember that? Yeah, that was awesome.]

Zack's committment towards getting in awkward, weird, difficult, yet SERIOUS relationships very quickly is the driving impetus of the show; AND the reason why he and Kelly just were not together all that long.

That being said, he should have left Lisa Turtle alone.

- Anthony

World Series Preview 2006:

It's the Fall Classic - 2006 version. And, really, honestly, I couldn't be more excited coming off that classic Cards-Mets game 7. The Cardinals have their worst team in four years going in this series, and the Tigers have the hardest throwing pitching staff of all time.

Honestly, history will judge this Tigers staff better than we can now. Currently, because most of the pitchers are so young, they really don't have the history or consistency behind them to be accurately judged.

If you ask me, Verlander's a future Cy Young winner, Robertson will go to 5 All Star games, Bonderman will be an All Star. Zumaya will probably be the next Eric Gagne (but who can predict the health of a guy who throws that hard), and Rodney will be making 8 million a year a s a closer. Honestly, if this staff wasn't on it's rookie contracts, it would be a $60 - 75 million dollar staff. (Verlander 16 mill, Rogers, 8 mil, Bonderman 11 mil, Robertson 11 mil, Todd Jones 3 mil, Zumaya 9 mil, Rodney 7 mil.. . .and on and on.) Personally, I think this staff makes the White Sox staff that barelled through the postseason last year look second-rate. This is so clearly the biggest difference between the two teams that it cannot be overstated. The Tigers have a phenomenal staff that is healthy and rested.

The Cards on the other hand are extremely banged up. Everyone knows about Rolen and Eckstein's shoulder, and Jimmy's head. But not enough is being made of Pujols' bad hamstring. Pujols without that power goes from being the best player in all of baseball bar none, to an all star hitter. He can't run as well, and he can't hit for as much power. Without being able to drive, he just isn't the same guy. He looked bad against the Mets and he sure got some easy pitches to hit.

That being said, there are a couple of ways the Cards can win this series:
1) Anthony Reyes is capable of a great start. Larussa doesn't have a lot of confidence in him, and he gets his pitch coung up high too soon. But I'm excited about him taking the mound. I really am. He could get shelled for 6 runs, or he could throw 7 shut out innings. If the Cards get blown out tonight, I'm not sure they can win. If they are close and have a shot - we'll see.

2) Catch up to the fast ball. Honestly, with the Cardinals, the worst thing you can do is throw heaters down the middle. They have a whole bunch of guess hitters on that team. Edmonds, Pujols, Wilson, Juan, can all turn on a fast ball. Again, if these guys do not run their bat into some home runs off these fireballers, they're going to be in trouble. However, if I'm Larussa, I give contact hitters like Taguchi and Spezio starts in every game. If you put the ball in play, good things can happen. Strikeouts could kill this squad.

3) Get the Tigers hitters to chase. Detroit has a lot of speed, a lot of defense, and a ton of solid contact hitters. You just can't let guys like who strike out a lot put the ball in play. You have to get those guys to strike out. They are too good on the basepaths. Sadly, the Cards only strikeout pitcher is Carpenter and Reyes, and Reyes is an unknown quantity. But you can give up singles to Polanco and Casey; the occasional long hit to Ordonez. But you need to strike out Granders, Monroe, Inge, and Thames a lot. You just need to, or you won't get out of the series.

More than anything: The Cards like facing fireball pitchers who will challenge you, a lot more than they like facing crafty guys who nibble the strike zone and let you get yourself out. So, one game the Cards are going to need to explode early in the game, and knock out a pitcher.

It's an uphill battle to be sure. But if Reyes starts gettin people to chase early in the game, and Edmonds connects with a Verlander fireball early in the game, it could change the series.

Go Cards.

Va la Gente Loca, Va Loca!!!

Well, I'm not sure how long it will be before I can talk rationally about this game. It had to be extremely entertaining to a casual viewer. But, since I'm a diehard Cardinals fan, I spend most of my time on the couch next to my brother nervously garbage-mouthing Budweisers and yelling curse words with every walk and EVERY time Juan Encarnacion came to the plate. (Speaking of Encarnacion, I know a lot was made of Oliver Perez being "the worst 7th game starter in NLCS history." But, where does Encarnacion rank as "worst clean-up hitter in NLCS history." That guy is a #7 hitter. He just is. How So Taguchi (a better defender and better contact hitter than Juan or Preston) has not gotten in the lineup is crazy.

Endy Chavez's play may be the best postseason play of all time (narrowly edging Scott Rolen's chuck into the seats in the following inning.) But, Rolen hit a rocket that Chavez had no time to gauge. He had to run full speed and get full extension into the wall and make an extraordinary catch. In response to this play my brother (27 years old, married, has a child) threw his hat across my family room and yelled "Motherfucker!", then preceded to lift his Cardinals hat and pound it into the sofa next to me for three minutes. I, however, was thrown into a coma-like state, and didn't flinch a muscle till that series of commercials were over. You can't have a bigger swing in momentum. The game was over at that play.

But, then it wasn't. Here's why:

The Cards didn't pitch to Delgado. Stay away from this man. There's a reason he has Barry Bonds power, and I think it has something to do with the size of his head. If you walk Delgado, everytime, his defense will eventually give you a run back. We walked him three times before letting our lefty specialist get a huge out on him in the eighth.

Suppan escaped a huge 1-out bases loaded jam, by striking out Valentin. And Chavez, miraculously, didn't get a hit the half-inning after robbing Rolen.

Yadier Molina homered, capping an improbably teriffic NLCS where he apparently decided to stop striking out all the time.



Keep in mind, I watched the Beltran at-bat wrapped up in a blanket, clutching a bottle of Bud and watching the TV through squinted eyes. My brother (again, 27, married, kid) watched lying on my hardwood floor and banging a yellow wiffle ball bat into the ground to get his nerves out. We didn't speak one time as soon as the baserunners got on. Hell, we didn't even make eye-contact. I'm not even sure if that kind of stress can be considered entertainment.

Oh, and if you're scoring at home: I had 6.5 bottles/cans of Budweiser last night. This brings my weekly total to 19.5 beers (Budweiser, Sam Adams Light, and Bell's Amber). I will spare the review of Budweiser. All I can say is it's delicious, and it's a superstitious thing when watching the Cards, but I don't really want to get into it.

Stay tuned for the Cards-Tigers World Series breakdown later in the day.

Beer and Bar reviews:

1st: A quick gripe about Sam Adams. I consider myself an unabashed Samuel Adams fan. I like the Boston Lager, the Black Lager, the Summer Ale, all their Seasonal stuff, and they might have a better Ocktoberfest than any German company. It's a phenomenal brewery jam packed with great tasting brews. However, last night at the bar I tried a Sam Adams Light. I am nothing if not a shill for advertising, and all of those commercials proclaiming it to have won non-light beer awards really had me hooked. So I purchase a bottle because the bar (The Full Shilling ) did not have the normal lager on tap. Sadly, it tasted extremely light. All the overwhelming floral flavor of the normal Sam Adams is sapped. It tastes like a light beer. I don't get it. Don't purchase this beer, just by the normally delicious flavors of Sam Adams.

2nd: I went to the Full Shilling with a co-worker, because we had just lost a fairly significant client at our company, and he was pretty down. At the bar, we bought a Table Tapper of PBR for for ten dollars (roughly 3 pints a piece), then I had my S.A. Light, and three Budweisers. So again, that's another 7 beers on top of the previous 6. So, my beer Tally for the week is: 13. And keep in mind I didn't drink on Monday.

3rd: The St. Louis Cardinals lost. I don't want to talk about it.

4th: The Full Shilling, which is well renowned for its thicker waitstaff, threw a better curveball than we'll see from Jeff Suppan tonight. Our bartender was inexplicably smoking hot.

Lastly: During about the 7th inning of a game, a homeless man came in and bought a vodka tonic with a bunch of singles. Part of it was really sad, because he probably saved up a lot of cash all day just to have a drink in a bar like a normal guy, instead of spending the same amount of money on a pint of Skohl. So, it was kind of touching, like Andy Dufresne getting the bottles of beer in Shawshank Redemption. However, he also reeked so strongly of poop that my manager and I had to go to the entire other side of the pub and drink at the other end of the bar.

So, that's something.

- Anthony

BREAKING NEWS: BOLO YEUNG

While perusing Bolo Yeung's wikipedia page I noticed that he was due to star in a movie set to debut in 2007: "Blizhniy Boy: The Ultimate Fighter."While this alone would constitute ground breaking news, the number of ridiculous co-stars set to act in this movie clinch this as worthy of an all-caps "Breaking News" headline. Yeung's co-stars? Only David Carradine, Eric Roberts (yes Julia Roberts' brother, that Eric Roberts), and...



..........




..........

GARY BUSEY!

Also, Bolo Yeung once swam from China to Hong Kong in order to escape communism. Yes, swam.

Bolo!

The College Football "Intensity Index"

1) Michigan (39pts)
1) Ohio State (39)
3) Auburn (34)
3) USC (34)
5) Tennessee (32)
5) Florida (32)
7) Texas (28)
8) Louisville (22)
8) Arkansas (22)
10) Cal (20)
11) Georgia Tech (19)
12) Notre Dame (17)
12) LSU (17)
14) Wisconsin (16)
15) Clemson (12)
16) West Virginia (11)
17) Oregon (8)
18) Oklahoma (6)
19) Nebraska (6)
20) Rutgers (4)

The index is simply a compilation of both mine and Anthony's seperate top 20 lists. Not rocket science, people.

Bolo Yeung Update:

So it turns out that the actor who played Chong Li in Jean Claude Van Damme's Bloodsport was 50 years old at the time of filming. How amazing is that? Not only did he look younger than 30 years old, but he also had legitimate size D breasts of muscle while filming that.

Also, he's not dead. Double amazing!!

Bolo!

Ron English Update:

According to rumors at Rivals.com, Ron English will be a candidate for the impending coaching change at Michigan State. Ron is said to be very open to the idea of taking this job if it was offered.

Here's hoping it doesn't happen, as this man has been in charge of Michigan's best defense since 1997. However, I can't really fault a guy that young for wanting to try his hand at being a head coach.

It seems kind of fishy that MSU would be ready to interview a guy who has been a coordinator at the college level for half a season, but a guy so visible and so talented will certainly be gaining interest if Michigan's defense continues to play at a high level.

Notes from Dakin Street:

A few thoughts on the baseball playoffs and beer:

The St. Louis Cardinals had a big win last night, and I watched the game alone on my couch with a 6 pack of Bell's Amber Ale.

First, the game: Adam Wainwright and Josh Kinney were awesome last night, and I can't believe how lucky Larussa is. He has been getting credit for "going with the young kids" out of the bullpen this postseason, when, in fact, he has been lucky as hell. If he had his druthers, and everyone was healthy, Braden Looper would be setting up Jason Isringhausen, and we would be giving up roughly one run per batter faced. As it is, Kinney and Wainwright have been dominant in this posteason so far - I just hope Carpenter can get the ball to them tonight.

For all the noise that has been made about the Mets utter lack of competitive starting pitching (when did Glavine become an 'staff anchor' again?,'), the Cardinals offense hasn't done much. If the Mets want to blame someone, it should be their hitters. Weaver, to his credit, has pitched with more focus and bite on his curve ball than I have ever seen. But the Mets hitters are just better than Weaver, and they couldn't get to him.

That being said, I wouldn't be surprised at all if the Mets blow out the Cards in these last two games: (See Vietnam flashbacks from the 1996 NLCS vs the Braves).

Also, it's a joy to watch Rolen, Pujols, and Edmonds field their positions. All three of them do it better than anyone. With men on 2nd and 3rd and one out in the 9th, Shawn Green hit a ball of the end of his bat to centerfield. It's the kind of a huge swing that causes most CF's to break back on the ball. And Jimmy, started running forward at the crack of the bat (He plays very shallow anyway), and caught the shallow ball holding Carlos Delgado at third base. With a lot of guys, that's a two-run single. It's just fun to watch them.

If you don't think I'm buying a Ronnie Belliard t-shirt jersey this offseason, you're crazy.

Also: Bell's Amber Ale is really quite good. I'm not a crazy Bell's beer fan like some Michiganders, but it's got a nice hop aroma, very refreshing, full-flavored. It was the perfect beer to go with the game.

That being said, I drank 6 of them, alone, on my couch. So, I'm not sure what that says about me. But it definitely gets my seal of approval (Beer tally for the week (since Monday): 6) (Yes, from now on, I will keep a beer tally, so that there will be a public record to be used for my intervention in 5 years.)

And, of course, because the Cardinals won, I woke up with no hangover at all. Had they lost, I probably would have needed to call in sick.

- Anthony

Hat Steal:

Anthony's analysis: Yes, it is true, I had no idea about the hat steal. A pretty girl at a bar once stole my hat and started asking me if she looked good in it. I got pretty pissed off, because I hate when anyone steals my hat, and I angrily stole it away from her. I essentially took it as a sign that the couple of minutes she had spent hitting me before were washed away.

Well, we had a pretty serious debate about the hat steal with a couple nimrods we lived with in Ann Arbor; and they all agreed the hat steal was at least 80% effective. Then, we were watching a Blind Date episode. And this douchebag on the show said something to the effect of, "I wasn't sure she liked me till she started taking my hat from me."

Yes, Chubbs 100% of hat steals he has finished the deal is correct. Although, he is like Dave Veres from a late 90's Cardinals team: 1 AB, 1 HIT. And yes, it was a single.

-Anthony

The Hat Steal: The Female Answer to Buying a Drink

It’s probably happened to you, you’ve been at a party, drinking some beer, throwing some meat, when a chick you’ve been talking to takes your hat and places it on her head. After you've overcome your intial reaction to slug the girl because you are overprotective of your hat, and your hair probably looks like Eric Byrnes' on Baseball Tonight, you rejoice in knowing that you're about to score. There’s been some debate on this (see: Anthony), but I think the hat steal is pretty much the most obvious way a girl can let you know that she wants to touch your penis, aside from her openly saying, “I want to touch your penis.”

This may be a trend with girls, as my friend Shaw has pointed out another twist to the clothing stealing theory. I'll call this the "post-coital cross-dress" corollary. Basically, this occurs when a girl decides to wear your clothing home the morning after a beat sesh. The motive here being continued contact between the female and you in the hopes of future beat sessions. In both cases, a girl takes advantage of our masculine need to protect property to induce a sexual advance. Love is truly a mysterious fig.

Anthony is just jealous because a hot chick did the hat steal to him once, and he didn’t realize it meant she wanted to do the dirty deed. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation where a girl stole my hat and I haven’t hooked up with her. Exceptions might exist where the girl in question had a few too many pounds. Although, who am I kidding, there are definitely a few of those too.

The Worst Call in the History of Professional Sports:

For anyone who doesn't know, I am an unabashed, die-hard, ruin my day, cry if we lose, Cincinnati Bengals fan.

This past Sunday we lost to the Tampa Bay Bucs and played absolutely awful. Carson looked bad. We only throw the ball to Chad 7 times. I just don't understand the offense right now.

But, that withstanding, the worst callin the History of Professional football occurred this week. Late in the game, the Bucs are losing to the Bengals by 6 with about two minutes left, and

THE REFS CALLED THIS ROUGHING THE PASSER: http://seahawks.aolsportsblog.com/2006/10/15/the-bengals-got-screwed/

Keep in mind. I was watching this game in a bar in Chicago with Bears fans, and even the Bears fans were visibly upset by this call.

So, if anyone's reading this, please post a comment as to how this could be roughing the passer.

Rigoddamndiculous.

Michigan Football:

All right, all right.

We are having a very good year at Michigan. Everyone on the team with the exception of our second cornerback looks great. However, there is some opinon out there that Chad Henne has made HUGE strides from last year. Again, this is a classic case of a quarterback getting credit for making great improvements, when, in fact his supporting cast has improved so much around him. Henne has always been good; and has always been a significant improvement over John Navarre.

He's probably not an outstanding QB, but he has never been awful.

Look at Henne's cast last year. He had Avant as his #1 WR, and Breaston as his #1.5 WR. He was also missing three offensive lineman for most of the year, and Mike Hart was not healthy the entire year.

Now, Mike Hart is healthy. The O-line is healthy and playing phenomenally. Breaston is back comfortable as a #3 wideout and slot specialist, because Mario Manningham has assumed the role of number one receiver on the team. If you give Henne from last year a bonafide top 5 WR in the country (Manningham), a guy who may be as good already (and more talented) as Avant (Arrington), and a healthy Mike Hart (who, for my money is the best RB in the country even with Adrian Peterson healthy.) Henne has an outstanding year. He didn't get worse from freshman year, he lost his best WR in Braylon, his best RB in Hart, and his best O-Linemen.

Also, we have the best front 7, defensively, in the country this year. What if 17 points wouldn't have been enough in Happy Valley last year?

Fact is, Henne is having a great year, and he throws the prettiest deep ball I have seen since Jeff Blake. However, those deep balls were wasted last year, because we tried to go deep to Breaston. Manningham gets more separation going deep than any Michigan receiver since Derrick Alexander. And that's why Henne looks so damn good this year.

Go Blue. Beat Iowa.

Kirk Herbstreit: Attractive Man? Yes. Stupid? Most likely.

Now, I actually kind of like Kirk Herbstreit despite the fact that he attended that cesspool university that's located in Columbus, Ohio. However, when you put up a myspace profile as a thirty-four year old man in the public spotlight, you're asking for it. Kirk Herbstreit's profile isn't completely stupid, in fact his multimedia choices are mildly interesting. However, he may want to edit his "favorite movies" section before anybody notices. Not only is "Four Brothers" listed as his second favorite movie, but he goes on to include "The Polar Express" and "The Journey of a Penguine [sic]." That's right. Kirk Herbstreit can't spell "penguin." Not really all that surprising I guess, since Corso probably can't spell his own last name. Also, I doubt Kirk Herbstreit really cares to spell such words correctly in between nailing his hot wife and analyzing football in front of a thousand hot co-eds who want to get railed by him every week.

Kirk Herbstreit is better looking than you.

Drafting ESPN's Reporters:

1. Suzy Kolber - This may seem like a bit of an upset considering how unbelievably hot Erin Andrews is, but there are some important factors which make her #1.

First, she may be the only female reporter not named Linda Cohn who I actually listen to for content. When she used to babysit Merril Hoge on "Edge: NFL Matchup" I enjoyed how, unlike Merril, she used the phrase "NFL" as opposed to referring to it as "The National Football League" EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Second, as you probably remember, she conducted the single most important sideline interview in the uneventful history of the sideline reporter. Of course, I'm referring to Joe Namath's "I just want to kiss you" interview. Although, I think my favorite part of this interview isn't so much Joe Namath's blacked out attempt to hook up with Kolber as it is his slurred description of Chad Pennington as a "quality, classy quarterback."

Joe Namath: An American Poet.

Anthony's Analysis: Really a phenomenal first pick. For me it's not even close. Suzy Kolber saved Edge NFL matchup. And really don't we have to trust Joe Namath's opinions? This is a man who was the NFL's most popular player in New York City. He has probably seen more good looking broads up close than I could ever imagine. If drunk Joe Namath thinks Kolber is good enough to shtup, she should be good enough for Chubbs Kellett and she sure is.

Also, could there be anything better than a post-coital discussion of the Tampa Bay Cover Two that Suzy could provide.

2. Erin Andrews - Yeah, she's really hot. I've seen her up close and in person, too. This isn't just a "she looks hot on TV" thing. I don't have anything funny to say.

Anthony's Analysis: Yeah, sure, she's really hot. But if you look at Erin Andrews and Trev Alberts they have the same face. Has anyone ever seen them in the same room. Lately, Erin has started to wear her hair in a ponytail which narrows her face a little bit. But, I don't understand, how people miss this. But Chubbs also regularly hits on one of our best friends' little sisters who looks FREAKISHLY like him. So, who knows, that may just be the straw that stirs Chubbs' drink.

3. Colleen Dominguez - She adds a little latin flavor to this mix. I'm always down for an ethnic girl, particularly if she's older, and still really hot. That being said, she might be completely held together at this point with Elmer's Glue and eye-shadow.

Anthony's Analysis: I guess Chubbs didn't write much of anything because it's just an indefensible pick. I've never been much into the "mature" look. Yeah, she stays pretty fit. But I'll find old chicks (not named Dame Judi Dench, of course) attractive when I'm older than thirty. For now, keep providing the young vixens like . . .

4. Rachel Nichols - I have a hard time ranking Rachel Nichols because there are times where I look at her and think, "Wow, she looks kind of naughty" and there are times where I look at her and think, "Is she still wearing a retainer? Why doesn't her mouth move properly?" That being said, I'll take any ESPN reporter who is good looking enough for a drunken makeout session and, also, isn't Pam Ward.

Also, I think I could hook up with her. I dare you to prove me wrong Rachel. I'm always at the bar. Why are you avoiding me?

Anthony's Analysis: I think Chubbs hit this one right on the head. She's a little sultry, and she gives the impression that you may actually meet her in a bar, and possibly make out with her. A very nice combination - a lot like Kirsten Dunst in that way. I really would consider drafting her number one. Kind of a hot voice, too.

5. Michelle Tafoya - She's kind of hot. Not hot in that "she's attractive" way, but hot in that "she might be your friend's mom who you secretly want to bang, but it's not really that big of a secret because you talk about it all the time" kind of way. Also, I can't really get a good look at her body under all those female suits she wears.

Anthony's analysis: Getting plumper, and older, but still has a nice package. She's been around of a long time, but still pretty good looking. Bonus points because one of our friends from college lived in the same neighborhood as Michelle Tafoya and could see her in her bedroom with only her underwear on. So, I guess that's something. . .is it?

6. Linda Cohn - L-Co! I think we all remember where we were when we saw Linda Cohn modeling with Mr. Met in her bathing suit. Also, she's in the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame (that's not a joke, you can look it up), and she's had to put up with Stuart Scott all these years which should be rewarded somehow. Seriously Stuart, you have to stop with the horribly outdated hip-hop references. My Mom used "off the heezy" three years ago. Also, you have a dead eye. Nice work, asshole.

Anthony's analysis: She's kind of old, and not terrible looking. She's been with me for so long, she feels more like an aunt to me then an object of sexual lust. But in a bind, I would still take her over...

7. Holly Rowe - I think Holly Rowe's search engine results speak for themselves.

Anthony's analysis: She looks like she has a great personality.

8. Lee Corso - This ranking is in no way meant to imply that Lee Corso is a woman. However, Lee Corso is ranked here because it is a scientific fact that any man who watches college football would rather do Lee Corso than Pam Ward. Granted, both acts would be dispicable and scarring, but at least having sex with Lee Corso would make for a funny story. Sex with Pam Ward would actually make you more gay than sex with Lee Corso would, too.

Anthony's analysis: Hahahaha. Wow. Chubbs and I saw old footage of Lee Corso with his arm around a babe in the sixties listening to some damn hippie play an acoustic guitar. Good lord I hope Pam Ward doesn't accidentally read this blog.

And, while I may not want to do Lee Corso. That Texas cheerleader is one lucky girl.

9. Pam Ward - I don't know what to say about Pam Ward, really. I wouldn't fuck Pam Ward with Sean Salisbury's dick. I would feel bad for her grotesque boyishness, but it's not like she doesn't have a staff that includes professional makeup artists. Hell, Holly Rowe wears enough makeup to fit in at a showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." I can just imagine what goes through Chris Spielman's head every Saturday when he's relegated to serving as this he-she's sidekick: "What gender of pronouns do I use?" "Is she like, into chicks or something?" "I guess I'd do her if somebody paid me." "Boy, Ohio State fans sure are stupid."

Anthony's analysis: I don't know what Chubbs is talking about. Pam Ward has a very sexy adam's apple.